Adrian Cocking Psychotherapy

Trigger Warning: Talk about sexual abuse. A friend of mine asked me what are some things to be aware of when it comes to protecting your child from sexual abuse.... Having been a family and individual social worker for 12 years, and having worked with dozens of survivors, this is what I know...by no means an exhaustive list, nor necessarily universal, but I figure this is worth sharing because not a damn thing is more important than keeping a child safe from sexual abuse. - Childhood sexual abuse is common. More common than you think. The stats run around 1 in 3/1 in 4 (and keep in mind, this is only reported cases). Most victims will never disclose and never report. - One of the reasons why victims don't report is because more often than not children are sexually abused by someone their family knows intimately and trusts. The most common stories I hear are about perpetratrators who are older male family members (fathers, grandfathers, uncles, older male cousins). Focusing on "stranger danger" is actually not helpful when it comes to childhood sexual abuse. Abusers most often have the trust of the parents and the child to get access to them. Abusers often groom kids ahead of time to get them used to touching. So no, it's likely not gonna be some random. It's most likely gonna be someone you know very well. - If you're gonna be a parent, then be fully prepared to call the cops on anyone who your child discloses touched them inappropriately. I don't care if it's your dad. I don't care if it's your husband. I don't care if it's your brother. I don't care. You need to protect your child and show them that. Believe them. Call the cops. If substantiated, press charges. If not, don't ever allow that person around your kid again and continue to believe them. I don't care how painful and disruptive that is. Get help and therapy if you need to process that. Just do it. - So let's start with the big obvious: talk to your kids and let them know that they can ALWAYS come to you, and that if someone makes them feel uncomfortable and unsafe, to tell you IMMEDIATELY, no matter who it is. Tell them you will support them no matter what. - Tell your kids that no adult will ever ask them to keep a secret. Adults don't need children to keep their secrets. If an adult ever says this to a child, tell the child to tell you immediately. - Teach your children their proper body parts. Teach children the difference between the vulva and the vagina. Help them to name the proper parts. Don't use nicknames. - Teach your children that only certain people you genuinely feel comfortable with can help them bathe, dress, etc. This list should be barely beyond the immediate caregivers, if at all. - Teach your children that the parts under the bathing suit are private, only for them. The only person who can look or sometimes touch that area would be the parent or their doctor, and that's only to make sure they are healthy. Teach them that their parent or doctor will always explain to them why they are being examined or cleaned down there, and will make sure they feel comfortable with that. If a child is going away or has a new caregiver (like a new babysitter), and you're ok with the person giving them a bath, let the child know ahead of time and make an expectation that you would be fully aware ahead of time of anyone helping your kid with the above. - Teach your children consent, boundaries and privacy. No adult should ever try to invade a child's privacy and they have the right to say no to someone beyond you trying to help them in the bathroom or changeroom . If a child needs help, teach them to ask for their parent or close caregiver. - It's totally natural for children to be curious about their bodies, derive pleasure from their bodies and to be curious about the bodies of other children. But there is a real difference between age-appropriate curiosity and sharing, versus abuse. Teach your kids that if another child makes them feel scared or uncomfortable, or ever tries to touch them privately, to tell you immediately. Likewise, teach your kids that they are never allowed to touch someone elses private area. - Communicate actively and openly with your child. - Don't force hugging or kissing. You're setting a bad precedent. - Ask them about what happened when they weren't with you. - Pay attention to overly sexualized behaviour in children. This could be a warning sign. - Pay attention to urinary tract infections and yeast infections in children. Consult with your doctor immediately and be thorough in your understanding of how your child contracted it. It's not uncommon for kids to get UTIs, but it can be a warning sign. - Never protect an accused adult. I don't care if it's too hard to think of your dad or husband doing this. Never tell your kid "it's in your head" or "he was just being friendly" or anything else that comes to mind. Affirm that it was wrong. Tell your child your so proud and thankful that they told you. - I'm just gonna be straight up: your child is much more likely to be abused by a male than a female. That's not to say that it can't happen with a woman or girl, but it's way less likely. So be vigilant around the kind of men you let get close to your child. I hope this was helpful.....and hopefully you never go down that road with your family.