Celebrity Limericks

Happy Birthday Elizabeth Taylor In her prime she was box office gold And a sensuous sight to behold Liz's husbands include ... Richard Burton, the dude In 'The Spy Who Came in From the Cold' Liz Taylor was born in the land Where a queen and her odious clan Have lived high on the hog Through deception and fraud Since their evil existence began In 'National Velvet' she starred And was held in the highest regard Gaining glowing renown When she played Velvet Brown In Great Britain, the land of The Bard In 'Giant' she later was seen With Rock Hudson and also James Dean As the Queen of the Nile She seduced with her smile As her acting career gathered steam Her performance in 'BUtterfield 8' Won an Oscar for being first-rate She was cast in the part Of a brazen young tart Who made many a manhood inflate In 'The Sandpiper' Taylor portrayed Laura Reynolds, who's keen to get laid By a headmaster, who Had a lofty IQ In a movie that MGM made With Paul Newman she co-starred in 'Cat On a Hot Tin Roof', flaunting her knack For pretending to be Someone other than she While displaying her sizable rack Taylor died at age seventy-nine When quite sadly she ran out of time But her image remains Etched in millions of brains As a star that continues to shine So let's wish Happy Birthday to Liz Who excelled in the world of show biz And was dressed to the nines When she married eight times Which is double her number of kids

Happy Birthday Robert Wagner Robert Wagner was born in Detroit In his teens he set out to exploit His good looks and his skills ... In the Hollywood Hills Like John Wayne, Cary Grant and Jon Voight In 'It Takes a Thief' Wagner debuted In his first major role on the tube Which would make him a star Not unlike Roseanne Barr And Jeff Bridges, the ultimate Dude With Columbia Pictures he signed And began a remarkable climb Up the ladder of fame In the acting domain He was much in demand in his prime In 'A Kiss Before Dying' he played A young fellow who morally strayed Like he did in real life By forsaking his wife Seeking alternate ways to get laid He has also played roles on TV 'Hart to Hart' filled its sponsors with glee In commercials his skill As a corporate shill Earned him many a lucrative fee Bob was married to Natalie Wood They lived well in a rich neighbourhood 'Til one night on their yacht After drinking a lot Robert may have been up to no good Wagner's tale about what was endured By his wife on that night seemed absurd To the cops in L.A. But the local D.A. Couldn't prove that a crime had occurred But the LAPD just this week Said they're taking a subsequent peek At the case because they Think there's no fucking way Wagner's story is true or complete Robert Wagner is now eighty-eight Years of age, so tonight he'll have cake While he's dreading to see What his future will be If he serves as a guest of the State

Happy Birthday James Spader He was born in the year JFK Used his father's political sway To become President ... In DC, where he spent Just three years, and then got blown away James quit school at the age of eighteen To appear on the silvery screen And on TV shows too As his résumé grew Through the years of the Reagan regime In 'Wall Street' he played the old chum Of Bud Fox, who was keen to become Rich by breaking the law With unbridled chutzpah Unbeknownst to his dad and his mum In 'Sex, Lies and Videotape' Spader played a libidinous flake Who gets gratification And manhood inflation Without going out on a date Later on he was featured in 'Crash' Which was hardly a box office smash Or award nominee But at least we could see Holly Hunter exposing her ass In 'The Pentagon Papers' he played Daniel Ellsberg, a man who betrayed An arcane rule of law Hitting nerves that were raw By describing a spade as a spade On TV he portrayed Alan Shore In the city that loved Bobby Orr Denny Crane was his mate 'Boston Legal' was great It’s a shame it’s not on any more On 'The Blacklist' he now can be seen In a show with a crime fighting theme His depiction of 'Red' Earns him shitloads of bread And abundant artistic esteem So let's wish Happy Birthday to James Who is past middle age, but remains A preeminent star Who is known near and far For the standard of work he maintains

Happy Birthday Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan possessed an ability To endear with his charm and virility First in parts he portrayed... Then decisions he made In D.C., when he verged on senility After college young Ronnie began On the air as a play-by-play man In the coverage of sports On the fields and the courts But an acting career was his plan In the thirties he moved to L.A. Where he landed some parts right away In some low budget flicks In the city of glitz Up the road from Marina del Rey As a governor Reagan unnerved Many liberals, whose wrath he incurred With the militant stance He was keen to advance To give enemies what they deserved Though he lost in two federal elections Reagan gained many voters' affections Then the third time he ran He beat Carter, a man Who was born in the south, like Jeff Sessions He demanded the Russians tear down A great wall that divided the town Of Berlin since the war Now it’s standing no more Since a peaceful solution was found Much like Trump, Ronald Reagan believed That a 'trickle-down' plan he conceived Would bring copious glee But it failed miserably Leaving many Americans peeved Then the Contra affair came to light With the Senate and Congress uptight About what Reagan's men Tried their best to defend As two wrongs constituting a right But a scandal that wasn't reported By the press was when kids were imported From Nebraska to be Ravaged sexually In The White House, where sickos consorted Reagan's partner in crime and VP Was George Bush, whose old man was trustee Of a firm that bankrolled Adolf Hitler's stronghold Over Europe in Reich number three Bush was likely involved in the plot To arrange for his boss to be shot By John Hinckley so he Could be sworn in to be President if he didn't get caught Reagan died in two thousand and four As a man millions came to adore For his natural gift To enthuse and uplift Like a larger-than-life troubadour So let's wish Happy Birthday to Ron Who was hired to serve as a pawn And be played like a flute By The Bilderberg Group As a GOP automaton

Happy Birthday Alice Cooper He was born in the Wolverine State Where the late Gordie Howe used to skate For the Red Wings until ... He was run of the mill As his skills had begun to abate With The Spiders he launched his career At the start of his seventeenth year In the era when Elvis, Gyrated his pelvis While flashing his signature sneer Heavy Metal was still embryonic And a genre some saw as demonic In the sixties, the age That produced Jimmy Page And Pat Paulsen, a dry-witted comic Alice saw that the key to success And unbridled financial largess Was this new-fashioned way To get radio play And significant ink in the press With 'Love it to Death' Alice drew Massive praise as his bank account grew At a startling clip The LP was a hit From Miami to Kalamazoo 'I'm Eighteen' put his name on the map In the seventies, long before rap Sunk the music cartel To the bowels of hell Where Madonna will soon hang her hat Alice soon became rich and well known In all nations and every time zone But the drugs and the booze Made him yesterday's news Until finding the will to atone So let's wish Happy Birthday to Alice Who was once a proponent of malice Like the pedophile queen And her evil regime Operating in Buckingham Palace

Happy Birthday Farrah Fawcett Farrah Fawcett began her career As a model way back in the year Richard Nixon began ... His first term as a man Who made audio tape disappear Her marketability shot Through the roof when a poster was bought By bazillions of dudes In lascivious moods When they gazed at her cleavage a lot Farrah married Lee Majors, a man Who was seen on a TV program As a mechanized guy With big fishes to fry When conscripted to serve Uncle Sam 'Charlie’s Angels' provided the chance Of a lifetime to grow and enhance Farrah's path to success Which she did with finesse While young men put their hands down their pants TV Guide rated Farrah among The top 50 of those who’d become Mega stars on the tube For the work she accrued Playing Jill, a hot chick with a gun She and Ryan O’Neal had a thing Farrah never was given a ring But they did have a kid From the humping they did At the height their sexual fling In two thousand and six Farrah learned That a cancerous growth was discerned She bounced back for a spell And appeared to be well But her malady later returned She expired in June of ‘09 Leaving all of her troubles behind But her image remains Etched in millions of brains As a gal who was one of a kind So let's wish Happy Birthday to Farrah Who did not need lipstick or mascara To look totally hot And make men hot to trot From New York to L.A. to Canberra

Happy Birthday Oprah Winfrey A filthy rich woman named Oprah Has been known for surpassing her quota Of daily consumption ... By constantly munchin’ While sitting at home on her sofa She grew up in the town of Milwaukee Where the weather’s conducive to hockey As a child she was sad Lots of trauma she had So her road to fruition was rocky After college she landed a job Reading news from at home and abroad Every day on TV For a nominal fee When Las Vegas was run by the mob Oprah later discovered her mission In life when she made the transition To the talk show domain Which was foreign terrain And abounding with stiff competition What ensued was unbridled success Lots of cash and a fancy address As her audience grew Lofty ratings she drew As she feathered her opulent nest But despite all the fortune and fame There are many who think that her reign As the queen of talk shows From her head to her toes Is as phony as legerdemain Harvey Weinstein and Oprah were friends She was often a means to his ends By convincing young gals That they ought to be pals With her buddy to reap dividends But of course, nowadays she asserts Men like Harvey are scum sucking jerks Which advances her plan Of defeating a man Known as Trump, which is now in the works Oprah Winfrey now turns sixty-four Years of age as a gal some adore But whom others maintain Should be viewed with disdain Like Madonna, a satanist whore

Happy Birthday Warren Zevon Warren Zevon was one of a kind With a dark and mysterious mind He was stylish and bold ... Many records he sold Until sadly, he ran out of time He was born in the town where Obama Sold his soul (like Jay-Z and Madonna) To the devil back when He got naked with men As a man who was born near Botswana Warren flaunted a curious joy Like a child who was given a toy Just to smash it apart With ill will in his heart He was just an 'Excitable Boy' Zevon sang of a man with no head, Known as Roland, whose murderer fled But was later tracked down In an African town Where he died in a shower of lead With 'Werewolves of London' he lit Up the charts with his signature hit Which is still getting play On the air to this day Like the songs by Lou Reed and Grace Slick So I wish Happy Birthday to Warren On behalf of all those that adore 'im Like they did way back when Dudley Moore starred in '10' As a man with no sense of decorum

Happy Birthday John Belushi Second City is where he debuted As a naturally talented dude Who was patently born... With a skill to perform On a scale of immense magnitude But what John is remembered for most Was a show with no permanent host Where each Saturday night He was rigged with a mike And was seen on TV coast to coast SNL put his name on the map And it led to a kick at the cat Of a movie career Where he made his premiere In a film that was totally crap Then in 'Animal House' he was cast To play Bluto, a man who got smashed Every day at his frat house Which served as a cat house For underachieving white trash John turned in to a star overnight And a source of dark humor delight When in 'Neighbours' he starred As a fat tub of lard Living next to a man full of spite In 'The Blues Brothers' John and his friend Danny Aykroyd provided a blend Of comedic panache And great music with brass Under threat of a stretch in the pen But along with the fortune and fame John had demons infesting his brain He was quick with a joke But addicted to coke All alone on a runaway train He expired at age thirty-three When his troubled young soul was set free From the pressure and pain That he couldn't contain With his wit and his glib repartee So let's wish Happy Birthday to John Who emerged from the womb of his Mom In Chicago this day Where Obama, who's gay Began stringing a nation along

Happy Birthday Jimmy Page Rolling Stone rates this man as the third Best guitarist that’s ever been heard Since the formative days ... Of the rock and roll craze When a dark revolution occurred He began as a session musician And he then was a welcome addition To The Yardbirds, a band That was much in demand As their efforts were reaching fruition Later Jimmy got keen to pursue Heavy Metal, a sound that was new To the rock music scene But was gathering steam From Great Britain to Kalamazoo Led Zeppelin's recording debut In the sixties remarkably flew Off the shelves in the stores Like LPs by The Doors, The Temptations, The Byrds and The Who John Paul Jones and John Bonham were parts Of this band that was big on the charts Robert Plant had a voice That was totally choice Jimmy Page had the digital smarts In their time they sold records galore And their souls to the devil before They completed their run As they worshipped the Sun, Like Madonna, a blasphemous whore It's been said Mr. Page is possessed He resides at the very address As a satanist dude Known as Crowley, who viewed God's domain with contemptuousness Jimmy Page now is seventy-four Years of age as a man some adore But whom others insist Is a dark occultist With no Heavenly future in store

Happy Birthday Frank Sinatra Frank Sinatra was born in Hoboken, New Jersey, where kneecaps are broken When a debt isn't paid ... To a man who's been made Or if someone becomes too outspoken He sang songs with The Hoboken Four At the time of the Second World War When a young dynamo Known as Frank stole the show Every night with his voice and rapport He embarked on his big band career After catching the eye and the ear Of the great Harry James And some other big names Who were known from New York to Zaire As a soloist Frank made it big When a legion of fans came to dig Both his dashing good looks And his musical hooks When they saw him performing a gig With the Rat Pack he sang and imbibed Until most of his mates up and died They performed unrehearsed Though no cash was disbursed All the booze and the broads were supplied With 'My Way', his signature song Frank appeared to be saying 'so long' To his family and pals And the numerous gals Who had sex with his lily white dong In the movies he also impressed With the natural skill he possessed He won two Golden Globes He faced FBI probes But was never placed under arrest Frank Sinatra was married five times And he pinched many ladies' behinds Extramarital sex Was for him a reflex Acted on with nubile concubines So let's wish Happy Birthday to Frank Who was guaranteed cash in the bank When he sang on the stage Not unlike Patti Page, Joni Mitchell and Hilary Swank

Happy Birthday Kim Basinger She was born near Atlanta this date Where the Calgary Flames used to skate And the Thrashers as well ... As a franchise from hell Doomed to fail in a deep southern state 'Hard Country', her big screen debut Garnered many a scathing review But Kim's acting techniques Earned her glowing critiques From El Paso to Kalamazoo In 'The Natural' Kim played a tart It's a film that was stylish and smart Robert Redford was cast As a man with no past Who could hit a ball out of the park In 'L.A. Confidential' she scored Major points as a bimbo adored By a straight shooting cop Kim's performance was hot And it won her an Oscar Award In 'Never Say Never Again' Not unlike Miss Bo Derek in '10' By exposing her thighs Kim aroused many guys Like the women who've dated Sean Penn Alec Baldwin was Basinger's spouse And once fondled what's under her blouse But she told him to split When she deemed him unfit To remain in their marital house Kim is now sixty-four years of age But she still causes hormones to rage With her full pouty lips And her succulent tits Which continue to earn accolades So let's wish Happy Birthday to Kim Who displayed both her rack and her quim To a young Mickey Rourke Chubbifying his dork In a film they were each featured in

Happy Birthday Debby Boone Debby Boone in her youth was a fox With the hooters and long flowing locks That induced excitations ... And chubbifications From Maine to L.A. to Fort Knox She was born in New Jersey, a State Where the Governor ought to lose weight Or he soon may explode From the pie a la mode And roast turkey he heaps on his plate Her old man, an ex-crooner named Pat Once played concerts all over the map Earning glowing reviews Now he's yesterday's news Like Madonna and Felix the Cat Debby Boone didn't have many hits On the charts like Miss Knight and the Pips But she lit up our lives And aroused many guys Back when babes were referred to as chicks So let's wish Happy Birthday to Debby Who grew up with the music of Freddy And the Dreamers, Sam Cooke, Three Dog Night, Dr. Hook Fleetwood Mac and the great Helen Reddy

Happy Birthday, Cass Elliot She was born on this day in the State Where the Orioles step to the plate And where riots ensued ... When an ebony dude In a van met his ultimate fate With the Mamas and Papas she sang For the royalty payments it brang In significant sums Through her powerful lungs From which marvellous melodies sprang In the sixties the group was on top Of the world as they toured non-stop But some shit hit the fan And they chose to disband Leaving millions severely distraught Cass excelled in a solo career And was music to many an ear Until fading from sight Like a dream in the night When in only her thirty-third year It was stated she choked on some meat In the swanky celebrity suite Where she stayed for a spell In a London hotel Which was home to the rich and elite But in fact it was due to her heart Which stopped beating and wouldn’t restart She’d been fasting of late To cut down on her weight Which more often than not isn’t smart So let's wish Happy Birthday to Cass Who possessed a congenital grasp Of the business she chose From her head to her toes She was big both in talent and mass www.litwit.ca