Dan Bue, Counsellor
Abbotsford Counselling Collective, #201, 2469 Pauline St. V3G 3S1 Abbotsford, BC, Canada

Dan with the wife of his youth!

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When you are working with children (or anyone, for that matter), just know that positive reinforcement (praising) is immensely more powerful than putdowns and negativity! Here is a true story that makes that point very strongly: One day Thomas Edison came home and gave a paper to his mother. He told her, My teacher gave this paper to me and told me to only give it to my mother. His mother’s eyes were tearful as she read the letter out loud to her child, Your son is a geniu...s. This school is too small for him and doesn’t have enough good teachers for training him. Please teach him yourself. Many years after Edison’s mother had died, Edison had become one of the greatest inventors of the century. One day he was going through the old closet and he found a folded letter which was given to him by his teacher for his mother. He opened it. The message written on the letter was, Your son is mentally ill. We can not let him attend our school anymore. He is expelled. Edison became emotional reading it and then he wrote in his diary, Thomas Alva Edison was a mentally ill child whose mother turned him into the genius of the century.

The 7th and final step in conflict resolution is that you each take a turn and tell the other what you personally could do differently in the future to prevent a situation from evolving into a conflict. You also ask the other party if they think that would help. In a normal conflict, you are usually yelling and telling the other party what they need to do differently. You move much further ahead when you each take accountability for your own actions.

The 6th step in Conflict Resolution - Instead of the usual pointing your finger at the other person and saying, "You did this and this and...", you each take a turn and tell what you personally contributed to the problem. When you are blaming others, you are only guessing because you really don't know what they were thinking. However, you do know what you were thinking and how that contributed to what you did, so you identify what you felt and did that contributed to the problem and the ensuing conflict between you.

The 4th step in conflict resolution? Look for areas of agreement and disagreement. It tends to narrow down the problem. "I agree with you on this part; I just don't agree with you on this other issue." (Steps 1 - 3: No name calling or putdowns, pick an appropriate time, listen to what the other person is experiencing.) How many times in an argument have you realized that you aren't even arguing about the same thing? Then, how foolish do you feel? So, you don't try to outsell the other person. No, you each take a turn to describe what you feel to be the problem. When the other person is talking, you don't interrupt, but you can use reflective listening. "So what I am hearing you say is that you don't like it when...."

The 3rd step in resolving conflict? LISTEN! Don't try to yell louder than the other party! You have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason - so you can listen and hear what the other person is saying and experiencing. You can both take turns telling your side and you don't interrupt the other when it is their turn. This way, you don't need to out-yell the other. You can reflect back the essence of what they are saying to you - that demonstrates to them that you have heard them and understand them. (The first 2 steps? #1 - No name calling or putdowns. #2 - Pick an appropriate time.)

Did you know that your mindset is probably the major determinant of success? Right thinking leads to right actions.

Did you know that love and faithfulness go together. It is even scriptural (Psalm 85: 10&11). You show your love for your spouse by your faithfulness to him or her.

I am doing a marriage seminar this Saturday for Agape Church in Burnaby. If your marriage could use some help, this could be the answer for you! For more information, text or call Pastor Matt or Winnie Low at 604-603-5106.

I recommend Earl's services!

I quoted Zig Ziglar earlier who said, "Let your weaknesses be your strength." And you say to me, "Can you tell me how do you do that?" Sure! Let's say that you are a bit shy, lacking in self-esteem, so that you find it hard to tell others about yourself. Great! Let's turn that into a strength! You don't have to speak about yourself to others. Just focus on asking others about their lives! Use FORM. So, you say, what is FORM? "F" is for Family, "O" is for Occupation, "R" is fo...r Recreation, and "M" is for Message. You can ask them about their family and they will have lots to tell you. As you enthusiastically listen (using Reflective and Active Listening - you can Google those terms to find out how that works), they will open up to you. As you continue to show interest in each area of their lives, they will continue to delight in telling you. What is the "Message?" In listening to all of the other areas, you might just get the message that they really enjoy sharing their lives with you. They will walk away thinking how nice you are and you have made a new friend, even though you are a shy person. Your weakness has become a strength! I have a brother-in-law who is extremely good at this. People who have newly met him will tell me what a friendly guy he is and how much they like him. I'll start asking them what they know about him and his accomplishments and they will realize that they know very little. Why? Because he gets them talking about themselves and is a good and attentive listener. People love it! And my brother-in-law? He has many friends! That can be you, shy person! Turn your weakness into strength! See more

In seeking happiness for others, you find it for yourself!