Divorce ReDefined

Your mind is very powerful. Yet, if you’re like most people, you probably spend very little time reflecting on the way you think. After all, who thinks about thinking? But, the way you think about yourself turns into your reality. Our thoughts are acatalyst for self-perpetuating cycles. What we think directly influences how we feel and how we behave. So if you think you’re a failure, you’ll feel like a failure. Then, you’ll act like a failure, which reinforces your belief t...hat you must be a failure. But are really a failure? I think not. Once you draw a conclusion about yourself, you’re likely to do two things; look for evidence that reinforces your belief and discount anything that runs contrary to your belief. When you develop the belief that you are a failure, for example, will view each mistake as proof that he’s not good enough. When you do succeed at something, you’ll chalk it up to luck. Consider for a minute that it might not be your lack of talent or lack of skills that are holding you back. Instead, it might be your beliefs that keep you from performing at your peak. Creating a more positive outlook can lead to better outcomes. That’s not to say positive thoughts have magical powers. But optimistic thoughts lead to productive behavior, which increases your chances of a successful outcome! Are you ready for POSITIVE CHANGE? Are you ready to move forward with your life with a new mindset that will bring you happiness, freedom and success?

We can't control other people and we can't control our environment (we can create it, just not completely control it). The one thing over which we can exert, and maintain control of, is our self and the way we respond to any, and every, situation. We are entirely in control our reactions, thoughts, words, and feelings. We can not control every situation that arises in life but we can control our reaction to it. The words are much easier said than done I know, but I promise, ...it can TRANSFORM your life when you dedicate yourself to them. Learning to separate ourselves from what happens to us and begin to see how we respond largely determines the outcome of it, is the BEST gift you can give yourself. YOU are the ruler of your self and your reaction to any situation, at any time, in any place!

Many of us will only be able to recognize the downward trajectory our relationship was taking in hindsight, and it’s then that some will be able to see what they contributed to its breakdown. The missed opportunities for actually confronting what was going on because you decided to keep the peace instead. Your own unwillingness to take responsibility for your part or your partner’s refusal to own his or hers. Your fear of being alone at this stage of life, which kept you quie...t. So what are the s that a relationship has passed the point of no return? Discussion has become difficult. The minute you open your mouth, he or she is on the defensive, and every discussion becomes either a shouting match ora recitation of your every flaw and misstep (or his) that you give up. Both of you are quick to find a fault and to pounce on it. If your relationship has devolved to the point that every misstep or mistake gets called out as an example of your larger flaws aka kitchen-sinking, you are deep in negative territory. You walk on eggshells or avoid hard things as a way of keeping the peace, but what you’re really doing is treading water and reinforcing the status quo of broken lines of communication. His or her familiar ways of acting now irritate you. It could be table manners, sarcastic humour, insensitivity, snoring or the way he or she completes (or doesn’t) certain tasks, which now drive you nuts. Your partner isn’t the person you turn to first. This can happen so gradually that you don’t even realize it, especially if you’re a woman and usually turn to close friends first; it’s a clear indication of the growing rift between you. You’re no longer acting like yourself. You’ve begun to notice that all your finer qualities are getting covered up by complacency, by accepting behaviours you really don’t like and by doing things you aren’t really into to keep your partner happy. By not living your truth you will begin to feel trapped or stuck which can wreak havoc on your sense of self and really looking at the changes in you and your behavior may be another sign that perhaps this relationship shouldn’t continue. Listen to the s.

More often than not, we accept less than we deserve. Whether it be family, friends, our spouse, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or our everyday acquaintances, we can often allow people to overstep our boundaries. The reality is, what we allow is what will continue. If your interactions with someone leaves you with unsettling feelings, questioning the truth, or like you have to prove your worth, or to be someone you are not, you may want to consider if this relationship is really wher...e your energy should be placed. So why do we allow this? We tend to hold on to an unhealthy or unproductive relationship and tolerate disrespect (albeit even very subtle) to fulfill certain spiritual thirsts: Approval and Appreciation: My life feels more meaningful when I get the praise and compliments of others or I like being in a relationship because it makes me feel wanted. Everyone likes my partner so I must be with the right person. Influence and Power: I feel more powerful when I am dating someone important and/or wealthy. I feel more important and justified in my choice if my partner is well liked by others in the community. Emotional and Physical Comfort: Being in a relationship with someone makes me feel less lonely, anxious or bored. or I’m uncomfortable being with myself for too long, I don’t like being alone and I prefer to be around others. Security and Control: I feel more secure about myself and my future when I’m in a relationship. or I like to date people I can control because I like being the one in charge. I would argue that the central reason for our tolerating of other's bulls**t is because we lack the understanding of our worth. In order for us to create relationships in which we don't feel taken for granted, cheated, or judged, disrespected, unappreciated, undervalued and unseen, we must love ourselves enough to set boundaries. "Your time and your energy are precious. It is us who chooses how we use it. We teach others how to treat us by deciding what we will and will not accept" (Anna Taylor). What are your boundaries around how you will be treated? Where do you draw the line between tolerance and your self worth?

When we're young children, we are often taught to apologize for misbehavior or hurting someone's feelings. Those corrections often came with consequences - so much so that I knew as a child that my sorry had to be met with some sort of change. I couldn't just behave badly, get in trouble, say sorry, and then go back to doing exactly what I did before. A spanking (or paddy whaker as my mom called it) would undoubtedly be boomeranged around a corner for my ass. I'm assuming m...ost of the people in my circle had similar upbringings. When is the last time you had to forgive someone for hurting you or offending you in some way? Did your forgiveness come as a response to their sincerity? Or was it an exasperated response to a person whose "sorries" are plentiful and often meaningless? I've learned a lot about the word "sorry" in my life and how empty it can often be. Looking back at my friendships and marriage it saddens me to think about how many times we have all had the burden of forgiveness that we knew would not be accompanied by action. Too many people have the idea that the word sorry is enough, regardless of whether or not remorse is attached. "I said I'm sorry" is supposed to mean something to the person who has been hurt. We're supposed to be willing to forgive in an instant. We're supposed to feel instantly renewed from the pain we felt just moments (or years) before. Words are beautiful - but words without actions are empty, soulless, and deceiving. Make these two promises to yourself in effort to be a better person: 1- Stop accepting apologies that aren't accompanied by changed behaviour. 2- Stop expecting forgiveness you haven't worked for. No one owes you forgiveness; whether you work for it or not. Forgiveness is entirely up to the person who has been hurt. Still, it says so much more about you if you work consciously to remedy whatever actions caused someone pain to begin with. If you hurt me or I hurt you, I expect us to do better. I expect us not to do it again. I expect us to change or alter the language or behavior that caused hurt in the first place. If you are truly sorry, then that sorry would be enough for you to change.

During my marriage I tried to be someone I wasn’t. I tried to embrace all of the activities my ex wanted to do, I tried to embrace the lifestyle he wanted, and certain traditions and routines that HE wanted. There was very little flexibility in our world, it was his way or no way usually. And if I ever challenged it, I would be passive aggressively put down or made to feel stupid and ungrateful for my life as it was. For example, if I didn’t feel like skiing one day, I would... be pressured and guilted to the point that I was made to feel weak and bad about myself because he was unimpressed that I was no fun. We were lucky enough to go to Maui for Xmas every year because that’s where his family traditionally celebrated. This meant that my family would ‘t get to celebrate with us or with my kids during the holiday. When I wanted to stay home for Xmas one year so our kids could take a turn to be with my family, I was made to feel like I was spoiled and ungrateful for not choosing such an opportunity that people only dream of. It wasn’t choosing his family over mine. It was choosing Maui over family, which in reality we could have actually done both if his mindset offered any flexibility. I continued on that journey in the same way for many, many years as resentment grew and I began using alcohol and social media to distract myself and numb the pain. As you can imagine this only made matters worse. Accommodating the needs of others often leads us to only reveal what’s expected of us; this, in turn, renders us unable to differentiate our true selves. Failing to live as a differentiated person leads to a sense of emptiness. When we can’t sense our own needs, we wind up feeling alienated, even from ourselves. In my marriage, I was regulating for others, and I realized it was no longer working for my life and my relationship. If you want to live a fulfilling life, you must first know who you truly are and advocate for it! It never happens when you’re stuck in fear or doubt, and it certainly doesn’t happen when you’re numb and disconnected from yourself.

When you feel like going into battle with your children’s other parent, it’s crucial that you maintain boundaries between adult problems and your children. Focus on your children’s well-being first and foremost before you decide to share unnecessary information with your child. Divorce is the breakdown of the relationship between two ADULTS; not between you and your children, so your job as a responsible parent is to protect your children from the damaging affects of burdenin...g them with adult issues. Divorce is not what traumatizes children, it’s how their parents act towards each other in their presence and speak about each other in their absence that does. Never mention any details of cheating, money issues, settlement details or other ways your ex-spouse contributed to your marital breakdown. Children are not equipped to understand or cope with these adult issues. It will only cause great anxiety and stress in your children, which could actually put them in a loyalty bind that may work against you in the long run. If it comes down to it, the court might even see it as you trying to create parental alienation; in such a case, you could be penalized, perhaps by rewarding more custody to your ex-spouse. Take a look honestly at your own situation. Are you saying anything bad about the other parent even if you think it’s out of ear shot of the children? Are you saying something you sarcastically while rolling your eyes? Are you going into details regarding the divorce? Are you making assumptions about the other parent or jumping to conclusions before finding out the facts? Are you gossiping or bad mouthing your ex with family or friends or at parties when kids are around? What we conclude about the parents who engage in this very destructive process is that the stresses of losing an intimate relationship, whether it’s through divorce or otherwise, can cause people to act out in very selfish and immature ways. Putting your own needs first before those of the child is destructive to a child and is antithetical as countered to the needs of the child him or herself. You have the power to protect your children from the negative affects of divorce.

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Most people report that some of their friends become invisible while they're in the process of divorcing. I experienced this myself after my divorce and quickly learned that there are many reasons why friends disappear or pull away. Friendship change so much after divorce because friends, like some family members, aren't comfortable with grief so become rejecting or cool. They might even side with your ex because they were the victim and it seems to be more socially accep...table that way. What they often don’t realize us that by choosing sides they are polarizing and encouraging conflict between you and your ex. Friends and family often take sides after divorce because most people don't know how to support a friend who is suddenly on their own. Dr. Fisher, a renowned divorce expert, cites four main reasons why friendships change after divorce: 1. You are seen as a threat. As a newly divorced person, you are suddenly seen as eligible to your married friends -- so invitations die off or disappear. 2. Divorce is polarizing. Friends tend to side with one partner -- either the ex-husband or ex-wife. Rarely do friends maintain contact with both partners. Thus, you might lose the friends who sided with your ex. 3. Fear. Many people fear that if they associate with others whose marriages ended, theirs will head in the same direction. The shakier their friend's marriage appeared, the more quickly they were abandoned by that person. 4. Social Stigma. Married people are sadly, but simply seen as mainstream and more acceptable in our couple-orientated culture. It’s a shame we aren’t evolving quicker as a modern society. While this issue has subsided somewhat in the past decade as we've witnessed the second and third generation of divorce in our country, it's still sadly alive in many social circles. Divorce can change the dynamics in any relationship so it's important to be truthful but sensitive to their limitations. It's normal to feel emotionally needy as you're navigating the grieving process, but friends play a different role than counselors. So give them a breather.

Our society is full of people who, through their own limiting beliefs, have settled into becoming victims of their circumstances. They feel powerless to making changes in their lives because they think that the elements of their lives are out of their control. You probably know someone like this. They are the "you wouldn’t believe what happened to me or let me tell you what he/she did to me or why me people who always seem to have an excuse for the things in their life ...that aren't working. And much of what is in their lives isn't working as well as it could be. These people tend to often have poor health, frequent health issues or constant ailments, relationships struggles and unhealthy, codependent relationships with their parents and/or adult family members. They often have the same job for years upon years with no change and sometimes even financial problems. They have a hard time taking responsibility for themselves, their actions, mistakes, and even their own decisions. In short, being a victim requires a giving up of most, if not all, personal responsibility. When we allow ourselves to be victims, we are letting the people and circumstances in our lives dictate how we will feel, and ultimately, who we will be. Nobody no matter how hard they try can ever make someone else feel something that they don't want to feel. Think about that for a moment. You are ultimately capable to respond to much greater degrees than you do. True responsibility can be redefined to mean that you are fully able and capable of responding powerfully to the occurrences of your life. Because you are the only one able to choose your feelings and your responses to what is happening right now. We have all heard people say, "You make me mad." Or, "Don't make me feel guilty." But the truth is that no one can make us feel something good or bad unless we allow them to. Are you stuck in a victim loop? And if so, are you ready to break free of the cycle?

If you’re giving someone a second chance, they have an opportunity to prove themselves and earn your trust back. If you’re giving someone third (or more) chances, it means they’re breaking your boundaries because they know they can get away with it. To give someone another chance is a very human thing. Because even though it’s not in our best interests usually, it’s still an eminently hopeful thing. To give someone another shot means you still see their potential, the way thi...ngs could be. (Or the way things used to be, if they were once good.) However, when trust is broken the first time, it’s time to start setting some boundaries. Do some self-reflection about what you want from this relationship. What are your hard lines? How do you plan to enforce them? If a breakup is a thought because you have given this person too many chances and the behaviour repeats itself, how do you plan to deal with the loneliness that follows? This is a big reason we stay of go back to people who are not good for us. The short-term ache of loneliness outweighs the long-term happiness of moving on and finding someone better suited. It’s good to have measures of support in place while you grapple with this, if that’s the case. Find friends, family members, community, a therapist, a Coach... and start leaning on them now. You shouldn’t be giving out chances like free samples at Costco. Anyone would be lucky to be with you, but if you’re willing to put up with anything they’ll have no incentive to work for you. Are you guilty of giving too many chances? Quote Cred: @divorcedmammabear