Dr. Dina Buttu, Clinical Psychologist

An individual who chooses to live a double life has learned that love is conditional. They have also learned that breaking the rules is threatening. The level of threat varies along a continuum depending on the threatened consequences of transgressing. Often fear is experienced on a day to day basis as a result of the attachment threat (and a host of other threats). Living a double life is a way to survive and cope in a situation where individuals lack power or control. Common psychological consequences are outlined here.

In a strict family, children often learn that there is no room for negotiation, and that their opinions, wants, and needs don’t matter. They become fearful of expressing themselves. Fear increases when expectations and honour codes are rigid and consequences for transgressing are extreme

Fear is a heavy burden to carry every minute of every day What if someone sees me wearing this? What if they find out I am dating someone? Am I going to get disowned? What if someone my family knows sees me here?

Facing one’s family directly and being transparent about one’s actions is not always a safe and viable option. Depending on the dynamics at home, some individuals must resort to hiding and living a double life in order to both be true to themselves and maintain the connections they want and need.

The most frustrating thing to hear when one feels torn between authentic self-expression and meeting family/community expectations is: Why are you letting them control you? or Just be yourself, they will come around. It’s really not that simple. The threat of losing one’s family and community is often very real and emotionally traumatic. Let’s not minimize this. Let’s not shame people for ways in which they cope. . . .... . . #inclusivetherapy #inclusion #mentalhealthawareness #clinicalpsychology #bicultural #stress #culture #immigrants #childofimmigrants #secondgeneration #psychology #anxiety #depression #trauma #livingadoublelife #doublelife #cultureclash #selflove #acceptance #belonging #ethnicidentity #racialidentity #religiousidentity #sexualidentity See more

We all present different parts of ourselves in different parts of our lives. This is adaptive in many ways and makes sense. However, those of us who don’t feel safe enough to be our authentic selves may be forced to hide core parts of our identity in order to cope. These everyday masks start to look more extreme when there are negative consequences to getting caught and being seen. At home and in community, you may learn to behave in a way that will lead to the least conflict... and minimize the risk of rejection. At school or work, you may present parts of you that you are unable to show at home. When there are extreme differences in these masks that we wear, it can lead to identity conflict - Who am I? What do I stand for? Working through this conflict is an important therapeutic goal when addressing difficulties with bicultural stress. . . . . . #inclusivetherapy #inclusion #mentalhealthawareness #clinicalpsychology #bicultural #stress #culture #immigrants #childofimmigrants #secondgeneration #psychology #anxiety #depression #trauma #livingadoublelife #doublelife #cultureclash #selflove #acceptance #belonging #ethnicidentity #racialidentity #religiousidentity #sexualidentity See more