Eileen for Mayor WPG
510 Main St. Winnipeg, MB, Canada

Today, friends, I come to you with a new policy plank. I'm coming out of the woodwork to challenge the PC agenda by asking a question that has been on everyone's lips forever. Progressive Conservative police don't want you hearing these big questions. Are we sure that St. Vital really exists? Some years ago, I had a dear friend who moved to St. Vital. I haven't heard from them since. Does anybody come back from St. Vital alive? Do you know anyone who lives there?... I allege that St. Vital mall is like a Venus fly trap. It lures in unsuspecting Winnipeggers so that they can be eaten up by that dastardly "neighbourhood". We can't let this unspoken reality remain under the surface. St. Vital is a paranormal phenomenon with its own secretive agenda, and it has cost us lives. No more. I will bar all citizens from entering St. Vital. I will put public safety first. No more cover-ups. No more lies. Why isn't city hall talking about this? Because they know St. Vital pays a disproportionate share in property taxes. Think about it. We collect so much revenue from some creature, some thing that exists outside time and space and eats everyone who enters. It can't possibly have properties, let alone taxable property value! This is why it is so dangerous. Politicians are afraid to confront it because they know how vital it is to the budget. But safety is always worth the sacrifice. I will keep you secure. I will protect you. I will nurture you, Winnipeg. We can live with hope for tomorrow. The children will sing. #StandWithTorch

In light of our recent, and frankly, disastrous PR blunder, I am compelled to release a second policy plank ahead of schedule. Following my election, I will veto any result of the Portage and Main vote. Instead, I will remove the ceiling of the pedestrian concourse, so you don't have to walk around and look for a mall entrance to go through it anymore!... That will require demolishing the intersection. Just another #BoldIdea from our great campaign.

Today I am releasing our second policy plank. It is a very good and important policy. So listen up. It has come to my attention that an #EngagedCitizen of the One Great City of Winnipeg has thrown a large propane tank through the window of a police car, and is now facing charges. This is unacceptable. When I am mayor, we will promote citizen engagement by granting full amnesty to engaged citizens employed by the city as Engagement Officers. The job of an Engagement Officer is... to commit acts of citizen engagement. The benefits are manyfold. First, the position of Engagement Officer will offer employment to troubled youth. We will create opportunity in their lives, directly reducing the rates of automobile vandalism and theft, and preventing those youths from facing incarceration. By granting amnesty for automobile theft and vandalism. Second, by destroying cars, we will increase demand for Winnipeg transit. Even suburbanites who are comfortable relying on cars to get to and from work will be willing to help fund transit expansion if they don't have cars anymore. This is a #GreenCities policy. Third, by coupling our Engagement Officer position with a buy Canadian policy, we will be encouraging the purchase of Canadian-made motor vehicles, such as our very own Bombardier snowmobiles. By increasing automotive spending, we will stimulate and revitalize Canadian industry. But don't wait! Like the #EngagedCitizen mentioned before, you can already become a volunteer #EngagedCitizen! How do you do this, you ask? If you have a spare propane tank kicking around, you already know . Thank you for supporting our campaign. In the coming months we want to gain momentum using multiple synergies. Remember to like, share, engage (in our comments threads), and leave a review! Post pictures of how you're being an #EngagedCitizen with the #EngagedCitizen hashtag. I will now be happy to take any questions you might have about our #BoldIdeas and policies. So #StandWithTorch with us and together, we can #JustBurnDownCityHall #LightUpWithHer #YWGElection2k18 #YWG #Winnipeg #cdnpoli

My Twitter is ready to show to the world. You've never seen a Twitter like this one. It's the Twitter account of a real future mayor. A future mayor who's going to burn down city hall. Together. With you. With all of us. Together. #StandWithTorch