Imperfect Parent

| Don’t lift your child onto playground equipment | Today at the playground, my 2 year old son REALLY wanted to climb up this structure. He found the easiest way up but it was still a challenge for his little body. He wanted it so badly and watched bigger kids pass him with ease. Understandably, he got more and more frustrated. As he struggled, I offered to help him strategize. ... - Hmm where can you put your feet? - Where can you hold onto next? - If you can't reach that, what can you reach? It took some time, and then He climbed it. And for 20 minutes afterwards, he practiced! And each time he got up, confidence replaced fear bit by bit. And he started taking more risks. "Maybe I can swing here! I can push a bit here!" I slowly backed off when I saw he was getting on on his own. He fell a few times, sometimes from a bit higher than I'd like but not a hazard, and each time he announced, unprompted, "I'm okay! I fell! I can try again." My heart was swelling up thinking about: His willingness to take increasing risks... The confidence and trust that he has gained about his body The assurance to himself that he can do hard things His absolute delight in mastering this task The TRIUMPH he displayed at the top! These moments will stay with him. It will be added to all the other similar moments that together will build him a solid foundation of confidence in himself, the courage to take risks, and resilience to get up and try again should he fall short this time. Sure, it would have been easy for me to put him up. But then I'll be TAKING from him these moments. Moments of perseverance. Moments of courageous displays. Moments of pure joy and delight. So don’t put them up. Instead, GIFT them the chance to feel triumphant. To take pride in their body and brain. To fall and get back up again. Gift YOURSELF the chance to witness this. When you unlock THIS, the slide itself is so underwhelming in comparison

What do I mean when I say all feelings are welcome, not all behaviours are welcome? One key skill for building emotional resilience is learning to get comfort...able with emotions. ALL of them. But being comfortable with negative emotions doesn’t mean foregoing emotion regulation. Not all behaviour is appropriate, and sometimes, we need to sit in an emotion without fixing or taking it away. A part of allowing a negative emotion means not needing to change a boundary in order to contain it. But we can still have behavioural expectations. On the weekend, we had a birthday party for my son (turning six). He was given a stack of coloured cups to hand out. At first, he sat and tried to work out which person would like which colour. Then he stopped, shuffled them, and walked around the table handing them out in their random order. He got to his brother and paused. He KNOWS that this brother’s favourite colour is blue. He looked at the pile of cups, and the top one was orange. He took it, passed it to his brother and said You get what you get and you don’t get upset. If you scream and you shout then you’ll just miss out. Curious, I asked where he had learned that rhyme. He told me they say it as school when handing out items, in order to stop whining over favoured colours, and prevent the chaos of haggling and swapping. That’s interesting, I said, but sometimes, if I don’t get what I want, I AM disappointed. I DO get upset. Don’t you? Yes, but you’re not MEANT to! my son replied. Hmmmm actually, I think when something is upsetting, you’re allowed to be upset. Being disappointed when you miss out on something isn’t the WRONG feeling. Is it? I had all of their attention now. The eldest chipped in, Yeah, but if you whine about it, you’ll get in trouble and just miss out. But you’re not in trouble for being disappointed you’re in trouble for the whining, aren’t you? I guess. We talked about calm down strategies we can use when we are feeling upset, like deep breaths, and reminding ourselves about small problems vs big problems. Then my three boys set about writing a better rhyme. It’s longer than the original, but I think they did a great job. (Note: they use brave as a simplification of dialectical thinking the idea they can be both upset AND okay.) You get what you get And you might get upset. If you don’t get your fave You can practice being brave. Breathe in and breathe out You don’t need to shout. If you don’t get your way You can still be okay.

Here why Rough-and-Tumble Play will Reset and Regulate Your Child! Whenever we've been stuck at home a lot (who hasn't been stuck at home a lot in the last 6 months??), my toddler becomes a different person. For a toddler who prefers reading a book to jumping off couches, being stuck inside makes him practically bounce off the walls. He's on edge. Laughter quickly turns to tears. Increases in sibling fights, refusing to sleep or eat, won't tidy/pot/quiet down, etc, etc... ... The "problem" behaviours all come up. Is this you too? When we get to this place, do you want to know ONE secret that always gets us out of this? Rough and Tumble Play. Just 5-10 minutes of rough housing defuses ALL those behaviours. It's a reset button. Why? All behaviour is communication. What the child is communicating to us is their need to release some energy, their need to move their body, and their need to connect with you! In fact, early rough housing with your child can promote secure attachment, self-regulation, and social skills! It also sets them up to be able to play with children better in preschool years. So... How do you do it? This kind of play involves a short burst of major physical action plus LAUGHTER. Here are some ideas to start: - Tickle fight - Chase - Tossing child in air - Tumbles - Jump around pretending to be monkeys - Spin together But don't over do it! - Did I mention laughter? No laughter = stop or try something else or another time. - Stop if they ask you to stop. - Do it in short bursts or take breaks. - Avoid over-stimulating your child (remember short bursts and reassess). So as long as you're all having fun and everyone feels safe, go ahead and roll around the bed pretending to be monsters, and see the anxiety in your child dissolve before your eyes. See more

Why "Do as I say!" is harming your child Does this sound familiar to you? "I need you to sit down in the car seat please."... "Why?" "Because I need to buckle you in." "Why?" "Because it's a safety thing." "Why?" "I already said why." "WHY?" "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" The "Whys" get harder to answer and even triggering when it is persistent. It sound like defiance, right? But your child cannot help themselves, they MUST ask until it's satisfactory. And they are insatiable! Their thirst to understand the world is too great. This is their JOB to question - they are learning. But it doesn't mean it's easy on parents especially if there's a time or social pressure. - Just LISTEN - is what we wish, right? But if we aim for absolutely obedience, the harm is so great and if persistent, the negative effects will last well past childhood. This post lists 4 of these detrimental effects: 1 - Children become blindly obedient. That might feel like 'not so bad', but it can be dangerous because not all authority figures are also trusted adults. Children need to learn a healthy sense of questioning 2 - Negotiation skills are important, in school, at work or in relationship. Without learning how to negotiate now, it will be challenging to ask for what they deserve in all aspects of life in the future 3 - Even if children are obedient for now, over time, their resentment will build up and a phase of rebellion is imminent 4 - The worse is that children learn they cannot trust their thoughts and opinions. They hear the message that what they think doesn't matter and they have no influence or control of their own life. To combat this, when you're facing a million "Whys", do these 3 things: 1 - PAUSE. Take a moment and think. This is normal. This is ok. 2 - Say - "Asked and Answered" if you've already addressed the question. 3 - Ask a question back - "Why do you think?" "What is it you want to know?" Comment below to tell me a question your little one has asked lately!

Dealing with Daycare or School Jitters? For most of you, the beginning of September marks the start of a new school year. It doesn't have to be as extraordinary as a year like this for the start of school or daycare to bring about feelings of anxiety and nervousness. It's totally normal to feel nervous about new things. Your kid probably feels the same. *wink*... All jokes aside, it can be hard when your child tells you through tears that they don't want to go, that they miss you, that they hate school... But have no fear, "Play" is here! Play is such a great tool to help children work through changes and challenging situations! Beginning in toddlerhood, children begin using role-playing to practice and work through problems. (Side tip: sit back and observe the dialogue or watch the action of pretend-play and you'll learn loads of what is going through your little human's mind!) Meet your child where they are at and get into the pretend world. If you can find the root of the nerves, great! If not, it's no problem at all. We can't expect our children to always know exactly how they are feeling - I mean, do you? I know I am unclear sometimes! It still is beneficial to work on some coping strategies so that when they feel these nerves creep up, they have some practiced defense on their side. Check out the examples in this post to get you started! See more

We can't always be happy. Why do we expect this of children? FACT: Children are more capable than we give them credit for. Time and time again, research shows the tremendous ability even the youngest children have to comprehend challenging topics and face adversity and difficult emotions.... It's all in how we approach it, and it should be no surprise by now that so much of how children process emotions and experiences lies within us, the grown ups. It's a reflection on how WE deal with them, 100%! If we see childhood as innocent and pure, and we shelter children from all negative emotions, the massage we actually share is that negative emotions are not OK and something to fear. If we see children as capable, we trust that with guidance, children can work through negative emotions. We name the negative feelings. We normalize it, and it isn't this scary, unmentionable thing anymore. We start to help children find ways to work through rough patches. And the message they get is, "My parents trust me to handle hard things. They are here for me. I can handle hard things". Let's recognize that children experience just as wide a range of emotions as adults and we do them a disservice if we try to bubble wrap their heart from the negative ones. Instead, let's help our children learn to build resilience and practice coping strategies. Accept that they may feel unhappy sometimes. And that's OK. Empathesize, Normalize, and Strategize together. They can do it! You can too. Put a in the comment if you agree that all emotions are OK.