Jolina Waller CYC

Art by Incidental Comics (Grant Snider)

Sometimes the struggle isn’t with setting boundaries for ourselves but with *overstepping* the boundaries of *others.* Here is one common reason why folks overs...tep. If you’ve been lucky enough in life to have the capabilities to succeed at academics, athletics, or the work force, then you may unknowingly think those same focus and talents should and will apply to relationships such as parenting or a partnership. And if you aren’t aware that relationships are very different and that the boundaries reside in much different locations, you’ll inadvertently (and blindly) find yourself violating someone else’s boundaries...perhaps a lot. Getting an A in chemistry is very different from getting an A in your relationship. In class, in work, in sports, if we apply ourselves, we’ll do well. The same is true in relationships - effort matters - but only if you understand that the other person is not your science project but their very own person with their very own feelings and thoughts and characteristics and dreams and goals. Refer back to the little house graphic from yesterday for help with this concept. All of those things inside the fence are the other person’s stuff, not yours. You have no rights to try to control the things inside their inner world. Their inner world is their inner world, just like yours is yours. And if a relationship consists of someone trying to make the other person into something that they are not, what kind of relationship is that? Can you *ask* for another person to make adjustments? Yes. One of the coolest things about relationships is that we can learn a lot about ourselves from interacting with others, including our rough spots that need a little smoothing out - and we can grow and shift and adjust in many positive ways as a result. But there is a big energetic difference between asking someone to shift a behavior that is causing you harm/discomfort versus trying to remake someone into the image that you think will be best for them. Trying to remake someone into your image is grandiose behavior. It’s usually done with the best of intentions...but that doesn’t make it any less grandiose. Your child/partner/friend is not an assignment that you must master and then receive a grade on. They are not a project to be fixed. They are another human existing in their own right. They will have their own feelings, their own thoughts, their own dreams, their own beliefs. They will be different from you and that is as it should be. When that can’t be respected and appreciated, do not be surprised if you notice more and more distance in the relationship. The best way to begin working on this accidental boundary violation is to begin focusing on respect - respect for the right of your loved one to be different from you, to be their very own person. Yes, some folks need to learn how to respect themselves when it comes to boundaries, and so they focus there. You have a part of your personality that needs to learn how to respect the other person, so you will want to focus your efforts in that direction. Often there can be underlying issues (usually fears) that cause us to want to control those near us. If you notice that is the case, you may find that therapy or some other type of inner work helps you explore such things further.

This is beyond important. Doing the right thing for you does NOT always feel good, in fact it rarely feels completely right. Just because it feels bad, doesn’t... mean it was the wrong decision. If you find yourself setting boundaries with family over the holidays AND feeling sad about it, that’s only natural. Don’t confuse loneliness with regret. If you’ve chosen estrangement to protect yourself, it’s completely normal and understandable to wish that you had a mother to zip you into your wedding dress, or a father to share the first dance with. If you are protecting your children by limiting who they come into contact with, it’s okay to grieve over the fact that they don’t get to have a typical family, AND know that it is the absolute best thing you could do for them. I could make a list of examples ten miles long, but the same rule will apply to each. Please cut yourself some slack and don’t label yourself or your decision making as wrong just because you experience relief and sadness simultaneously. It’s okay to experience conflicting emotions.

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself conditioning is a survival tactic. An...d you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you we’re in this together or I got you then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE. You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. So, you don’t trust anyone. And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people. To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable. Never again, you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. It’s a trauma response. The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. You are worthy of having support. You are worthy of having true partnership. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of having your heart held. You are worthy to be adored. You are worthy to be cherished. You are worthy to have someone say, You rest. I got this. And actually deliver on that promise. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to bargain for it. You don’t have to beg for it. You are worthy. WORTHY. Simply because you exist. -Jamila White, @inspiredjamila Coyote Phoenix