Laura Tamutis Psychotherapy
425 McArthur Avenue Ottawa, ON, Canada

Since becoming a therapist I have concluded that we are obsessed with figuring out the right decision Time after time clients come in expecting me to give them advice and most are shocked to learn that its not what we do I truly think believing someone may know best gives us a sense of control and safety... However, obsessing over whether you are making the right decision or not is just a fear based belief that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. I think this is what gets in the way of risk taking, your true needs and dreams, and is keeping you stuck. Would you take more risks if you knew that the universe had no fixed agenda? Would you be where you are if you believed that once you made a decision, it works around that decision? What would be different if you focused on what you NEED rather than what is right or wrong?

Who’s tired of being tired? Who’s tired of change? All of this is exhausting and we’re not meant to endure this much change and disruption.... Physical exhaustion is usually the one we think of, it’s when we feel sleepy, maybe we need physical rest to recuperate Emotional exhaustion might be common for those who are in helping professions right now Values exhaustion might be the fact that you really disagree with the restrictions, they go against your values Cognitive exhaustion might be all the cramming and quadmesters you had to endure while dealing with a global pandemic I invite you to explore your exhaustion: what type is it? what is it calling me to do? We all get tired we’re human, we’re not robots, this pandemic affects us sometimes in ways we’re not aware of, it’s heavy. It’s okay if your capacity is limited (I know mine is)

Control, how often have we explored the purpose of our automatic tendency to seek control in our lives? Let’s dive into a few ways we may seek control in our lives. We can try to fix, and control others, we may try to keep our homes clean, our lives seemingly perfect, we may control what we eat. ... Our mind needs control to feel safe, to protect us from the unknown, we do this almost unconsciously. It makes so much sense that life can feel a little chaotic and unsafe right now. Hence the need for more control of our external world. How can we find balance with control? Well, it’s important to find external ways to maintain consistency in your life. Whether that looks like a routine, an activity, scheduling. This may also look like boundaries, which before all of this were much easier to maintain. I also invite you to peel back the layers of your controlling tendencies, find internal control and faith , notice, ask yourself why is this coming up now?, is this an opportunity to let go? Last, be kind to yourself! It’s natural to respond to chaos with control

In light of the recent lockdown I wanted to remind you of a few things This is difficult because we are wired for connection, we are social beings and isolation is inhumane Our emotions are messages about what we need and you are allowed to feel the heaviness in the collective right now. You are allowed to feel anger as the purpose of anger is injustice, and it is your bodies way of telling you there’s something morally wrong ... Take care of your mental health, monitor your screen and time consuming media and news Lastly, there is a difference between social distancing and physical distancing. Keep in touch with your friends and family, stay connected as much as you can, stay active, stay emotionally and physically safe everyone L

Blasting stigmas Therapy is a personal investment that most insurances cover and, there are sliding scale options Going to therapy isn’t a sign of weakness or helplessness, it means you’re willing to look at yourself and heal ... Working out and eating well is important, and mental health is equally as important Although many of us are self-aware we all have blind spots and can benefit from guided self exploration from someone who studied methods and has knowledge of life span development Therapy can be an investment, and there are many sliding scale options and all insurances cover some form of therapy. It’s all about priorities, you can spend money on new clothes or invest in you. Medication can be sooooo helpful, for example, if we break a leg medication is the cast and psychotherapy is the physiotherapy; where you learn to heal and prevent further injury. We need to understand the origins and or/ learn new ways to cope. Hope this helps you get a clearer picture

Things that can co-exist

Place one hand on your heart, practice, and repeat these aloud Hope you have a great rest of your weekend beautiful people

Shame is the fear of disconnection and it causes to hide and isolate Brene Brown stated: If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame cannot survive Essentially, shame dies in the light and shame cannot coexist with human connection, which is why we must form deeper connections with others, and we must share our shameful moments so they can be normalized.... Don’t forget to give yourself empathy and self-compassion, form a deeper connection with yourself. Give yourself grace, reassurance, and affirmation. Practice affirmations in your head our aloud. In the next post I will provide a few affirmations that can help with shame

As a therapist, I am encouraged to use self-disclosure in an intentional way that can relieve shame or normalize something a client is going through. I thought sharing a bit of my story could help you understand the power of emotions like shame. Growing up many would assume from the outside that I was fine, I rarely cried, I was strong, I could keep it all together and I had friends. Internally I hated myself, I thought deep down to my core that I was an awful person, I w...as disconnected from my body and felt nothing. This shame I did not know was shame caused me to isolate, to hide my true self and mould to what others wanted, to go from relationship to relationship with my guard up and self-sabotage my happiness believing that I had no one because I was bad. When I think about it now I am in disbelief of how powerful unprocessed feelings like shame can have on our lives. I truly believe that we are all born enough, worthy, and good. I see our experiences such as a lack of validation from parental figures, society, and traumatic experiences as the cause of internalized shame. Of course shame comes knocking on my door from time to time, but I now can identify it and not let it take over. We can't always change our pain, but we can learn how to relate to it in a way that supports our full humanity. And when we relate to our pain differently, our pain doesn’t hurt so much. And we find that we can live a beautiful and whole life in spite of it

The most unknown emotion is shame and arguably the most influential on our lives I notice shame a lot more as we are isolated from others which can cause us to feel like what we experience is abnormal and bad Further, shame dies in the light so when we can talk about it, and connect with others we may feel less shame, which is another thing we are doing less of... If you’ve experienced this feeling you’re not alone, most feel a sense of unworthiness in our world that of high expectations and standards Hope this can serve as a reminder to connect and to talk about your feelings with someone safe, and that this can be an opportunity to identify and name your feelings of shame I will focus on ways we can alleviate these feelings next

Wanna know the most common thing I work with? It’s feelings of shame and low self-worth It’s believing that you are not enough and flawed... So what does our brain do? It overcompensates for this and causes us to strive for perfection only causing more shame and lowering self worth cause there is no such thing as perfect So since shame is so common I’m going to focus on good enough, and why it’s so hard to strive for this in our bat shit crazy world get ready to acknowledge the shame you didn’t even know you had! Hope everyone is rested and ready to take on the week ahead, and if you’re not (me) reflect on that thing you need to feel a bit better (a nap?) L

We all have been shaped by our experiences and it makes sense that you either feel you’re too much or that you’re too self reliant What is the problem with either? Well when we’re on opposite ends of the spectrum we can’t truly connect, we have poor communication and we don’t have empathy for another I invite you to read through the attachment styles, take a quiz, read a book on it (Attached by Amir Levine is good) and get to know how you feel in relationship... Although the last year has had its ups this may help you connect more than you ever thought you needed It may help you be stronger with yourself and in relationship So here’s a reminder that self-awareness gives you the power to choose differently, to get out of self destructive patterns My hope is that you can lean into the uncomfortable feelings so you can heal

If you’ve had relationship issues during this pandemic listen up We all have ways of relating that we learned in childhood and in stressful situations our needs may have been unmet By becoming aware of your attachment style AND your partners, you can challenge your insecurities and fears, and have a stronger relationship ... To progress into a more secure attachment means we can have better communication, greater personal self-disclosure and improved intimacy. It also brings about higher emotional expressiveness and more strategies to deal with conflict. I’ll be posting some tips throughout the week to help with becoming more secure in relationships!

This ones for the people pleasers, the unfulfilled, and the self-critics Because if you nod your head yes when you want to say no you’re letting someone draw the line for you. You’re putting aside what is important to you, your values and betraying your intuition.... Maybe you are not lost... Maybe you are disconnecting from your true self Here’s a reminder that if we are aware of our feelings, needs, experiences, the more fulfilling our relationships and life will be. Stay authentic, listen to your intuition, emotions, values and reconnect to what is truly you ... are you aware of the ways you disconnect from yourself?

Did you know we often believe self-compassion means over indulgence and laziness, and that we need to toughen up and be hard on ourselves to be successful? Research shows that self criticism may be the very thing that gets in the way of your objectives and goals, and is leaving you disconnected, lonely and depressed Self-compassion involves three things... 1) common humanity - understanding that we’re not alone in our mistakes, that mistakes are what make us human and they’re a part of everyone’s life 2) mindfulness - being mindful of ones emotions and feelings without over-identifying with them, ie validating emotion without overthinking and adding fuel to fire 3) self-kindness - being kind and understanding like one would with a child, believing we are deserving of care just like everyone else Be kind to yourself You can do hard things This can be learned

Reminder to check in on your strong friends The ones that seem like they have it all together learned it was safer to hold it in That being the good and strong one was the way to get attention and asking for help was weakness ... Hold space for them Hold back from judgment Practice openness Hold back from problem solving Practice validation & reassurance Listen

Hey overthinkers this ones for you We are meaning making being, which sometimes leads to overthinking when we are overwhelmed This is because we want to know why we’re feeling x. But often this judgment of our feelings is what leads to more anxiety and fear... When we notice what we are experiencing this curiousness can help us take distance from the thoughts and not over identify, help us understand what we need and calm ourselves down Sometimes it’s just a thought and anxiety is a sigh we need a break and to slow down L #intentionalliving #anxiety #therapy #overthinking #thoughts #mindfulness #mindset #psychology #ottawa

If you change your behaviour your relationship patterns will also change Because couples are a system and a dynamic which means what happens to me effects you and vice versa When you ask for different things and speak your mind the relationship will also shift... When you grow the other person will be forced to grow You and your relationships are not meant to stay the same, we are meant to grow and change Growth happens when we speak our truth, when we set boundaries, when we express our needs when we don’t hold back because we fear commotion or conflict Vulnerability is your biggest asset not a weakness 1 How are you invited to grow in your relationship? 2 Are you open or resistant to change? 3 Do you easily express what you need? #couple #coupletherapy #coupletherapist #therapy #psychotherapy #counselling #relationshipgoals #relationships #system #authentic #vulnerability #risingwomen #ottawa