Miles Thorson Mediation Services

Mediation is not about "winners and losers"; it's about helping people move forward. It's about helping people find a way to "get over" conflicts of the past and to focus on the future. Often, I have clients who are stuck, or mired in the emotions of conflict. Their focus is in the past. Thoughts and statements keep returning to events that have occurred and are over. I find the mediation process is helpful to help clients express their points of view, their fears and ange...r or their hurt. Perhaps, the other will honestly hear their pain. But that is only a start. The real value of mediation is when clients can come together with a positive intent to create a solution. A solution that works for everyone. In short; a solution that helps people move forward. Questions or curious about mediation services? I would love to hear from you.

Mediation is not about "winners and losers"; its about helping people move forward. Its about helping people find a way to "get over" conflicts of the past and to focus on the future. Often, I have clients who are stuck, or mired in the emotions of conflict. Their focus is in the past. Thoughts and statements keep returning to events that have occurred and are over. I find the mediation process is helpful to help clients express their points of view, their fears and ange...r or their hurt. Perhaps, the other will honestly hear their pain. But that is only a start. The real value of mediation is when clients can come together with a positive intent to create a solution. A solution that works for everyone. In short; a solution that helps people move forward. Questions or curious about mediation services? I would love to hear from you.

Option A and B not workable? Dont forget about Option C, or even D. Heres how I help clients. Come into mediation sessions with a "positive intent". I encourage clients to come into sessions with the intent to find workable and mutually agreeable solutions. When clients have that intent; solutions are often achieved. Get all issues out on the table, out in the open. If issues of concern are kept hidden, there is no way to find possible options. Trust in the mediation ...process. All issues are on the table. All issues are discussed. Everyone has a chance to tell their story. Gather all necessary information. Clients can not create informed options without information. Frequently I will have clients leave mediation sessions with a list of questions, or list of needed information. Having this information will lead to more fruitful, helpful conversation. Resulting in creating more options. Effective mediation is all about creating options. Options that go beyond just A and B.

Option A and B not workable? Don't forget about Option C, or even D. Here's how I help clients. Come into mediation sessions with a "positive intent". I encourage clients to come into sessions with the intent to find workable and mutually agreeable solutions. When clients have that intent; solutions are often achieved. Get all issues out on the table, out in the open. If issues of concern are kept hidden, there is no way to find possible options. Trust in the mediation ...process. All issues are on the table. All issues are discussed. Everyone has a chance to tell their story. Gather all necessary information. Clients can not create informed options without information. Frequently I will have clients leave mediation sessions with a list of questions, or list of needed information. Having this information will lead to more fruitful, helpful conversation. Resulting in creating more options. Effective mediation is all about creating options. Options that go beyond just A and B.

Weve all been angry. Its a natural emotion. But have you ever taken the time to really discover why youve become angry? Have you ever looked for the source of your anger? Chances are that at the source of your anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.........or violated. For example; We all have a need to communicate. Unfortunately, people are not naturally good communicators. Conflicts arise when we feel that we have communicated effectively. We believe that the... other person should have understood the message. When in fact, we did not communicate our message well at all. We become angry at the other person, confused with ourselves and frustrated with the relationship. Next time you become angry.......look inward, not outward. Check yourself..........you just might find that "need".

Suppose that I had a magic wand. And if I waved that wand, your biggest problem would be resolved. What would you notice about your life? Now of course magic wands don't exist, and problems can't be resolved that easily. But the basic premise of my statement is sound. When faced with a difficult problem, or conflict, try to move your focus towards the future. Imagine that your dilemma is resolved. How did you make that happen? What steps did you take? Is there more tha...n one possible resolution? How did you take control of yourself? Your first vision may not be achievable, nor your second, or even your third. But eventually you will be able to create your own workable solution. You will be able to create achievable benchmarks leading to resolution. So wave that wand! Create your resolutions. What can you come up with?

Communication begins with the premise that it is impossible to always be an effective listener or communicator. It can't be done; we are human. What can be done is to be "in tune" with yourself. Ask yourself: "Am I communicating clearly?" If the answer is yes.....good for you. If the answer is no.....here is something you can try. The key to effective communication is caring about what the other person needs to say. That begins with your mindset. That is something you c...an control. If you find yourself "wondering", or not really caring.....stop! Bring yourself back to where you need to be.....with the person who you are conversing. Get past all the negative mental and emotional roadblocks. You don't have to agree with what's being said. You only have to care. Try it! It will be the best thing you can do for the other person..........and yourself.

Sometimes taking a break from negotiations can be a good thing. A couple months ago I was mediating a breach of contract for services dispute. It was a little complicated. As conversation went along, frustration grew. Lots of talking, but little listening. At that point, I suggested that the mediation be tabled. I also suggested that more information was needed and gave participants specific questions to find answers for.... After a few weeks break, a return mediation was scheduled. I was a little concerned about things would go. But to my surprise, clients had taken it upon themselves to have private conversations to find a resolution. As a result, in less than an hour, resolution was reached and clients left mediation on pleasant terms. Lesson learned? Sometimes taking a break can be productive. Give emotions a chance to settle.

We've all been angry. It's a natural emotion. But have you ever taken the time to really discover why you've become angry? Have you ever looked for the source of your anger? Chances are that at the source of your anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.........or violated. For example; We all have a need to communicate. Unfortunately, people are not naturally good communicators. Conflicts arise when we feel that we have communicated effectively. We believe that the... other person should have understood the message. When in fact, we did not communicate our message well at all. We become angry at the other person, confused with ourselves and frustrated with the relationship. Next time you become angry.......look inward, not outward. Check yourself..........you just might find that "need".

Why do I recommend mediation? I say this to all my clients. The reason you are in mediation is that you are in a conflict. But that also means that you have an opportunity. An opportunity to solve the problem. To solve the problem yourself, without having a 3rd party solve it for you. But....solving the problem means that clients must honestly accept and acknowledge their contribution to the problem. Before clients can climb out of the box. They need to take ownership o...f their actions that got them into the box. Establishing ownership "frees" a person. Allowing them to seek workable solutions. Allowing them to climb out of the box. "I can't talk my way out of situations I behaved my way into." - Steven Covey

Why do you do this? Why do you mediate peoples conflicts? Questions people do ask me. The simple answer is that I like it. I like when people give me the the opportunity to help. To help them tell their story. Help them listen to the other's story. Help them to understand. To find common ground. I am not perfect. Sometimes resolution can not be found. It happens. But at the very least, going through mediation with me, people have the chance to be heard. By it's self, ...that is a gain. Let's have a conversation. Perhaps I can help.

When creating solutions, remember that there is a difference between "equality" and "equity". I look at it like this. Creating a solution based on "equality" can be workable. Just like the image suggests. However, looking for that "equitable" solution can limit options. Using "equality" as a criteria for success creates a limited mindset. The focus is on making sure that every one receives an equal share. The focus is limited to the "here and now." Creating a solution b...ased on "equity" broadens the focus. More creative options can be generated. Parties are encouraged to look at issues with an open mind. It moves the focus out of the "here and now" towards "tomorrow". If I approach issues from an "equity" point of view, I will be seeking options for growth, options for improvement, options for flexibility to address future issues of similar nature. It moves the mindset towards a "creating a gain" point of view. To me this picture really captures this difference. Try shifting from "equality" to "equity" to solve issues. What have you got to lose.

A wife and husband are in their car. The wife is driving, the husband beside her. They are waiting at an intersection when the husband says; "The light is green." What could possibly happen? That depends on how the wife interprets what was said. And what the husband means.... It's called the "Four Ears of Communication". "The light is green." - Factual Ear: The sender is stating a fact. The light is green. No other information is being sent. "The light is green." - Appeal Ear. What is the sender wanting you to do? When should you do it? "The light is green." - Relationship Ear. Is he sender offering help? Is the sender suggesting I'm a bad driver? Is the sender nagging? "The light is green." - Self-Disclosure Ear. Is the sender in a hurry? Do they want to get going? Is sender impatient? Four roads to a potential argument. What can be done to avoid this? Ask two questions to clarify what the sender means. "The light is green? I don't understand?" "What do you mean?" Using your four ears can be a great way to stopping arguments before they even happen.

Why choose mediation? There are many reasons. Here are a few important considerations. 1. Mediation saves time and money. Mediation can occur much faster. There are no court or legal proceedings. If your mediator is not a lawyer, then fees are much lower. 2. Mediation preserves the relationship. As a mediator "doing no more harm to the relationship" is an important goal. I want my clients to leave mediation with a sense of hope.... 3. Mediation lets people control their solutions. It allows people to use their creativity. To focus on options. It gives people control and responsibility, rather than giving it to a "third party" . 4. Mediation is flexible. If, during a mediation, specific legal or financial information is needed, sessions can be suspended. When the information is obtained, clients can come back. Is mediation the solution for all conflicts? No. But mediation can certainly be a option.

Resolving difficult situations? Making a workable and sustaining decision is not impossible. Here is a simple guide I use to help my clients. 1. Consequences of decision. What will/could happen? What will be the affects? On me? Others? The situation? Will affects be helpful? 2. Align your values. Are decisions based on my positive values? Am I making decisions based on the common good? Am I offering something positive to the situation?... 3. Check the reality. Did my decision actually turn out as anticipated? Does decision need adjusting? Is the decision workable? Is it sustainable in the long term Workable and sustainable resolutions are often obtainable. It is the process of finding resolutions that is important.

Are you listening? Are you "really" listening? Effective listening can improve any type of relationship; whether in conflict or not. So what can stop a person from listening? Here are a couple common roadblocks. Judging: forming and expressing opinions based on what the other person in saying. Nothing can stop a meaningful conversation than having someone "judge" what you are saying. Advising or Fixing: offering solutions before the issue(s) are clearly identified. A p...roblem can't be resolved if it is not clear. Perhaps the other person does not want a solution. They just want/need to vent. A rule of thumb I use for practicing listening is this. I don't want to be "in front" of the person (advising, fixing). I don't want to be "behind" the person (following, disregarding). I want to be "shoulder to shoulder" with the person. Standing with them. Being with them. If I can do that............I know..........and they know......"I am listening."

One important part of resolving conflict - any type of conflict; is taking responsibility. You are, at least partially, responsible for the situation. There may be contributing factors. But in the end; you own your words and actions. Often, I listen to clients using words and phrases that do not accept responsibility. They remain focused on those "other" contributing factors. Blame: "I was in a hurry." "You made me do this." "I was so stressed out." "It was the booze ...(or anything else)." Justification: "They were in my face." "They did it first." "They just wouldn't shut up." "They deserved it." Denial: "It wasn't me." "I don't know what you are talking about." "No, it wasn't like that." "You're crazy." Minimizing: "It wasn't that bad." "It was blown all out of proportion." "It will all be fine tomorrow." "I can fix it." Recognize familiar statements? Ever heard, or said, similar things when faced with conflict? You probably have......most everyone has. How many of these statements are helpful in creating a workable solution? You get my point?

Interesting read. It provides a good argument to broaden our points of view. Food for thought.

How ironic. FB, and other social media platforms could and should be used to broaden our minds. Instead, it seems that it is narrowing our minds.

For today, for yesterday and for tomorrow.....

Am I listening? Am I being heard? Two questions that will help you resolve conflicts. http://medicine-hat-mediator.com/mediated-divorce-listenin/

What does a good mediation look like? An effective mediation allows participants to be empowered. They become problem-solvers. Options are created. Helpful and respectful conversation takes place. It moves beyond "win-win" towards finding mutual benefit. The goal becomes creating a thoughtful solution effectively and respectfully. Finding that mutual gain, while doing no harm to the relationship. A skilled mediator will help you put the pieces together.

In my experiences with helping people resolve conflicts, I have discovered that somewhere hidden within the emotions of conflict lies some element of "shame". Here is an interesting thought. People are feeling "shame" because they believe that in some way, they, want to control the actions of other people. Feeling shame for your own actions is one thing. Felling shame over the actions of others is another. The fundamental questions are; "Why am I taking responsibility for t...heir actions?" "Why am I trying to control the actions of others?" Shame can be a powerfully negative emotion. It can play a significant role in conflicts. Resolving shame issues can go a long way to help resolve conflicts. Have a read. I enjoy reading your comments. Share if you wish.

Sharing this from my biz page. Gary very clearly and simply provides great down-to-earth reasons for choosing mediation or collaborative law to resolve conflicts. If you like it............let me know If you really like it.........share

Do you have 3 mins? Have a listen. Gary puts forward good reasons for considering mediation or collaborative law to resolve conflicts. If you like it.......let me know. If you really like it..........share.

I spend a lot of time helping people to communicate clearly in order to resolve conflicts. Often, it boils down to these two questions. Am I speaking in a way that helps the other person understand what I am saying? Am I listening in a way that helps me understand what the other person needs to say?... Here are a couple tips: 1. You are not being rude: Everyone looses their train of thought during conversations. If you do - ask the person to repeat what was just said. It is not rude - in fact it's show the other person you are interested in what was said. 2. Repeat what you just heard: It's called paraphrasing. Take in and think about what you just heard. Identify the important points just said, then say them back to the person using your own words. The other person will either; disagree, agree, or provide more information. It's a great tool for understanding. Doing these two techniques will do three things; One: it will encourage better conversation Two: it will increase understanding Three: it will demonstrate respect for the other person Making comments and sharing helps me to reach people who may be interested in my services. Like, comment or share......

Hope or wishful thinking? "To look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence." "To believe, or to trust." Resolving conflicts, of any sort, requires a certain level of hope. Hope for yourself, your situation, your future. Hope is what keeps the conversation moving forward. Hope is what prevents thoughts, words and actions from getting caught up in the mire of blaming and accusing resulting in a downward spiral.... In order to have hope one needs to have a plan, a vision, a mindset of openness and optimism. Hope allows us to rise above the pettiness and ugliness of confrontation. Wishful thinking is a noun. It keeps us stuck in the same place. Hope is a verb. It calls for action. It tells us that we are not satisfied. That we can, and will make things better. Which one are you more likely to use?

Interesting read. Raises some good points for consideration. I particularly like the idea that is is about controlling your thoughts, behaviors and emotions. Especially relevant when facing conflicts.

So you are in a mediation. Here are some tips to help make the most of it. * Create understanding: Before doing anything else - identify all the issues, address each issue one at a time, identify everyone interests, needs, hopes and desires, "what needs to be understood in order to get to resolution?" * Be willing to share perspectives: most conflicts have a shared responsibility, paraphrase back to the speaker what you just heard, if you are unclear - ask a question.... * Making agreement and closure: take your time - explore all options, create solutions that everyone can agree with, take the time to answer all "what if" types of questions - an agreement can not have too much detail. Remember: mediation is not about win/lose or even win/win. Mediation is about creating a "gain".

Will be interesting to see how all this plays out. Sharing post from my business page.

So what are the issues? Where do conversations begin? I suspect that the first issue to be resolved is the perception that Mr. Trudeau acted unilaterally by imposing tax prices. Is that accurate? I don't know. Generally speaking people don't like having things imposed on them. Did Mr. Trudeau change the rules of discussion in mid-stream? If he did, that would be dangerous.... Acting upon climate change is inevitable according to the Paris Accord. Which raises these questions: Are carbon taxes the most effective way? What is the evidence that supports carbon taxes? Are tax dollars being monitored to ensure they are being spent effectively to reduce emissions and carbon footprint? Lots of emotions attached to this conflict. Very difficult to remain objective. Especially when governments consider the issue of taxes and re-election. It will be interesting to watch how this is resolved.

Resolving conflicts. Trust the process. Finding that creative solution follows five steps. Here are the first two steps: Step one: Clarify the issue(s) * Step back - Try to be as objective a possible. Be aware of emotions, but don't let them interfere. Emotions give clues to the real issue(s) * Identify - your interests, your needs, your hopes, your desires.... Step two: Set the stage for conversation * Set ground rules for behavior and conversation * State your positive intention for a positive resolution * Clearly state the issue(s) to be discussed - then stick to them. As conversation develops, new issues can be added Remember - a creative resolution really is about "connecting" the dots. Have an open mind. Be curious. Addressing issues will lead to a positive and workable resolution. I will provide the next two steps in following posts. Or, go to my blog page: http://medicine-hat-mediator.com

Mediating a conflict is really about trusting the process of connecting the dots.

I have a conflict. What are my options? Whether your conflict is workplace, family or legal based. There is a structure that can be followed to help find a solution. Before looking at the process; here are some "Do's and Don'ts". DO... * try to set a positive attitude when approaching the other person(s). * remain optimistic; a solution is out there somewhere. * be prepared to take breaks to allow emotions to settle * Above all...be prepared and willing to look at the situation from different points of view....not just yours. DON'T * go down the path of "me against them". It won't work * retaliate, or, "give them a taste of their own medicine". That will only escalate the situation. * assume anything about the situation, or the person's involved. You just don't know. There are professionals, like myself, who are out there willing to help. Reach out, contact us. There is really nothing to lose.

Sharing a link to my blog page. Resolving conflicts need not be long and difficult. Learning how to make honest apologies can go a long way to de-escalating conflicts. Think about it. How often have you only wished to have received an apology? How often have you used an ineffective apology? How often have you regretted not making an apology?... Take a read........let me know your thoughts.

FAQ Friday: Q; I have a potential agreement, but dont feel totally satisfied. Do I have to take the agreement. A: No, you do not. Here is an example from a recent mediation session(s). Both parties were agreeable and working towards a solution. However, at times, both parties were a little unsure. What did we do? We adjourned the session. On one occasion we adjourned to allow each party to reflect. The second adjournment was to allow one party to gather specific info...rmation needed for an agreement. Thats the beauty of mediation. Its a collaborative to satisfy the needs of each party. See more

This quote reflects my message from last post. When creating agreements, try not to be restricted by time limits. Use time wisely, create goals and objectives, reflect on your effectiveness.

FAQ Friday: Q; I have a potential agreement, but don't feel totally satisfied. Do I have to take the agreement. A: No, you do not. Here is an example from a recent mediation session(s). Both parties were agreeable and working towards a solution. However, at times, both parties were a little unsure. What did we do? We adjourned the session. On one occasion we adjourned to allow each party to reflect. The second adjournment was to allow one party to gather specific info...rmation needed for an agreement. That's the beauty of mediation. It's a collaborative to satisfy the needs of each party. See more