New Arising Church
69 Long Branch Ave M8W3J5 Etobicoke, ON, Canada

Relational ROUTINES National Center for Biblical Parenting Most kids benefit from schedule routines to keep life predictable. But take a moment and look at the relational routines that exist in your family. In some homes we have the arguing routine, or the resistance routine, or the whining when I don’t get my way routine. ... Those patterns that exist in relationships can change but it requires intentional effort on the part of the parents. If not addresses they become more entrenched in family life and develop into an unhealthy normal. One of the mistakes parents makes is to overuse correction to try to change behavior. Correction is good but it can wear out as a primary change strategy. Parents end up focusing on what the child is doing wrong and saying things such as, Stop it. I can’t believe you’re doing that again. If you don’t cut it out then I’m going to and we’re back into some form of consequences to change behavior. A better way is to focus on training. Correction might be a piece of that, but training focuses on the goal. Where do I want my child to end up? More cooperation, thankfulness, and responsiveness to instructions are good goals. To get there, kids need practice. This approach adjusts your parenting in two significant areas. First, it makes your parenting more positive, focusing on where the child needs to go, instead of where the child is right now. Secondly, your discipline strategies focus on practicing doing the right thing instead of complaining about what’s wrong. Bill, at twelve years old, for example, resists parents’ instructions. It’s been a growing concern. Parents, understanding this shift in their strategy, decide to practice with Bill by giving him a plan for whenever his name is called or he’s given an instruction. Now they practice that plan twenty times a day with Dad and twenty times a day with Mom. They discuss what they are doing with Bill and are firm about the new routine. Bill is resistant at first but starts to learn that there is no other option but to change his tendencies. It’s these tendencies that come from the heart. Jesus said, It’s out of the heart that the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45). A heart-based approach to parenting is different than a reward/punishment strategy. When you focus on the heart, then good things happen.

Obey First and Then We'll Talk About It When parents give an instruction but children don't want to comply or it's not convenient for them, sometimes they need to learn to "obey first and then we'll talk about it." This emphasizes obedience. If little Brian has pulled a chair over to the counter and is climbing onto it, you may say, "Brian, we don’t climb on chairs." "But I was just"... "No, you need to get down. Obey first and then we'll talk about it." Once he gets down, discuss the problem and find a solution together. "Katy, go get your pajamas on." "I don't want to go to bed." "No, obey first and then we'll talk about it." To some parents this may sound like blind obedience. We've all heard stories about people who were led into cultish activity because they couldn't think for themselves. No parent wants a child to fall into a pattern of blindly following a leader's instructions, but evaluating instructions is an advanced skill. Many parents have gone too far in the other direction ending up with children who can't follow simple instructions without a dialogue. Parents sometimes believe they have to talk their child into wanting to obey. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children that if you don't like a request then that's enough reason to resist it. These children make poor employees, develop selfish attitudes about following someone else's leadership, and have a difficult time in relationships because they haven't learned how to sacrifice their own agenda for others. Talking about it is important but sometimes even we, as adults, must obey first and then understand later. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son without fully understanding and then considered it faith for him to obey. Peter didn't know why he was to go to Cornelius' house but went anyway only to discover that God wanted to bring salvation to the Gentiles. Philip was asked to leave a revival in Samaria and go out into the wilderness, not knowing why, but when he got there he led an Ethiopian man to Christ. Evaluating instructions is an advanced skill and will become important later on but children need to learn that sometimes we all must "obey first and then we'll talk about it." This tip comes from the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN