Novotny Resolutions

Am developing an appreciation of the power of silence in assisting someone to unpack their story. It is honouring, validating, compassionate and even encouraging when all that happens for someone with a story to tell is to be heard ... the listener stays silent and just listens ... with no fixing, evaluation, advise giving, comparisons, one upping or any other of the myriad things people do to stop the story or barricade the emotions that need to be expressed. There’s so...mething to be said for just shut up and listen . Did I say that with my outside voice?!

Left / right; liberal / conservative; mask / no mask; covid hoax / no hoax; peaceful protestors / anarchists & terrorists ... I could go on and on, but suffice it to say in this age of anger exacerbated by half truths of political rhetoric and compounded by the stress of uncertainty, every body has an opinion about everything; those opinions generally fall into two camps; those camps are almost always polarized. What has the appearance of dialogue is really campers talkin...g past each other, giving nothing more than lip service to the notion of gaining understanding. This can be frustrating and feel even hopeless, especially when the polarization is camped in extremes and certitudes. So what do you do? A good starting point is coming to grips with and accepting the fact that you can’t change someone else’s mindset ... it’s called a mindset for a reason ... it’s SET! So give a listen, take the high road and agree to disagree. Then negotiate an agreement around the things you simply can’t and won’t talk about. In this age of anger, uncertainty and polarization it’s important to differentiate between essentials and non essentials, negotiables and non-negotiables and what is worth ... and not worth ... jeopardizing relationship over. And remember - most people default to simple black and white thinking in times of upheaval and unknowns because it makes them feel safe. Complexity is unnerving and feels ambiguous; we prefer certainty ... so we entrench in it. So adding compassion to the mix goes a long way ... as does recalling Niebuhr’s simple prayer ... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like people & their made up minds) The courage to change the things I can (like my own attitude towards people & their made up minds) And the wisdom to know the difference ... to which I would add ... the grace to appreciate them even and especially in our differences. Peace!

Conflict skills are only as effective as conflict attitude. If conflict is about winning, skilling your way to the win will result in a fleeting reward that leaves one unchanged. The right attitude accepts conflict as an opportunity to learn and grow ... in humility, trustworthiness, patience, compassion, encouragement and ultimately, selfless and authentic love.

When dealing with others in messy or tough relationships, you can throw SHADE or you can be SHADE. Throwing shade means the conflict is all about you. It’s a me vs you and in our distorted need to win, we resort to using Shame, Humiliation, Anger, and Deception while stroking our self centred Ego. Being shade means the conflict is about us, meaning us versus whatever the issue is and entails a win/win for both. Being shade means being Safe, Humble, Accepting, Discerning and Encouraging ... ideally it’s mutual but if even just one person was shade, the other would find their way out of the heat of conflict ... and into your SHADE.