PM Mediation

My second article for The Independent discusses an alternative to counseling that helps couples communicate in a different way and stay together: Couples Mediation My spouse and I are having difficulties but therapy is not for me. What now? In past years, couples experiencing conflict had only 2 paths to follow: counseling or divorce. But what if the couple didn’t want an archaeological exploration of past family behavior or accept that the issues between them were so in...surmountable that the only answer was to walk away? Then what? The good news is there is another option: Couples Mediation. It’s really more of a new application than a new process. Mediators have been helping couples resolve conflicts for years and it turns out these same skills can be used to avoid, rather than ease, divorce! This process is helpful for those couples that want to stay together. It differs from counseling or therapy in avoiding discussions of historical reasons behind problematic behaviors. It focuses instead on the specific areas of friction between the two partners, and teaches them how to communicate with one another more constructively, in order to find solutions. While a greater understanding of the others’ feelings may well be an important part of the conversations that lead to behavioral change, delving deeply into the reasons behind the behavior is in many cases unnecessary. A mutual willingness to do things differently in the future may well be enough! Also, for those uncomfortable with the idea of therapy, mediation appears as a more practical and therefore more desirable, approach to problem-solving. Want to learn more? Let’s talk! Contact Patti Murphy at PM Mediation (www.pmmediation.com), [email protected] or (647) 328 3167.

I'm writing a series of articles for The Independent, a local paper distributed within the GTA. This article is the first in the series about Mediation: We’ve decided to separate. We want to avoid the war our friends went through in court. Is there another option? As Abe Lincoln said, Discourage litigation the nominal winner is often a real loser in fees, expenses and waste of time. I’m with Abe, especially when it comes to families in transition.... Litigation by its very nature is an adversarial system that positions parties against each other. Children often get used as pawns in a game where there are no winners. It is expensive, time consuming and often emotionally scarring. The end result is a judge imposed decision that the parties find frustrating at best and disastrous at worst. An alternative approach is mediation, a non-adversarial process that leaves the decision-making power with the individuals. The mediator helps the participants work together and create their own solutions based on the unique needs of their family. People are more apt to adhere to agreements that they have helped craft. In a recent CBC interview, respected family law judge and author Harvey Brownstone shared his wish that more couples mediated their divorces rather than try to find solutions in the judicial system. In his book Tug Of War, he writes, The emotional carnage resulting from family litigation, and its impact on the unfortunate children of warring parents, can not be overstated. Is mediation the right process for you? Let’s talk. Contact Patti Murphy at PM Mediation (www.pmmediation.com), [email protected] or (647) 328 3167.

By peace we mean the capacity to transform conflicts with empathy, without violence, and creatively-- a never-ending process. #JohanGaltung

"The mediator's role combines those of a ship's pilot, consulting medical doctor, midwife and teacher." Martti Ahtisaari Sketch by Brad Heckman, New York Peace Institute

Separating parents should not be fighting it out in a courtroom but rather working it out in a mediation room.

To further expand my work with families, I'm becoming certified as a facilitator with Essential Conversation Project. An essential conversation is a facilitated process through which families discuss and make plans for family caregiving, retirement, estate planning, and a myriad of other life transition issues. Many of the families referred to us are living with at least one chronic health condition, such as dementia and Alzheimer's disease. I recently learned of a wonderful music program created by the Alzheimer's Society in response to overwhelming evidence showing the beneficial effects of music on people living with dementia. Those who register receive an ipod with a personalized playlist, at no cost. To learn more, click here http://musicproject.ca/about. Care and share!