Potential Unlimited

Go Leafs Go! My youngest daughter is obsessed with the Leafs. She watches the games and cheers so loud. In fact, she is so active and loud watching these games, I can't watch them with her. It is too much for my brain injury symptoms. She calls her Grandma during the games and talks to her. I am thankful for that. But this would have been Jeff's dream come true to watch hockey with his little girl, but now he can't. Maybe he's in Heaven watching us, but he's not physically here to experience these times and that sucks

I believe in Angels. Angels in Heaven and also Angels down here on Earth. There is someone from my hometown, married to a guy who was friends with my late husband and his brother...someone I don't even know particularly well (yet I feel our hearts know each other well)who has sent the girls and I these little cards with a treat in them for every occassion-Christmas,Valentine's, St. Patrick's Day and now my Birthday. A part of me feels like Jeff is whispering in her ear to send us these reminders we are loved (and they make our day!). Yet I know she is an amazing person and deserves all the credit for brightening our day during this crazy grief journey in the midst of a pandemic. Remember the little things count. Take the time to show love and be kind. It means so much!

There's many emotions we can feel, but my favourite is love. When my husband was alive, we had the kind of healthy, supportive love that makes each person a better version of themselves. My wish for you is to have that butterflies in your stomach, healthy love in your lifetime, too.

Today was my 45th birthday. My second one since my husband Jeff has been gone. I found this card he wrote me on my birthday when we were engaged. I look at it now and it gives me chills. He had no idea at the time he wrote this how exacting these words would be. I miss Jeff every minute of every day...

I just ordered my birthday cake for my own birthday next week. Since I have been widowed, this is one of those things that is like a kick in the gut. I want to celebrate this day and my kids are still young (and cake is a must!) but I feel pretty sad right now. #grief

Celebrating 25 years of friendship with these beauties. We've seen each other through a lot since those university days. I am thankful to have them by my side... 6 feet apart.

The past month, I have spent a lot of time with horses. Equine therapy, signed girls up for lessons. But today was just for me. I had my first ever riding lesson. Didn't think I would ever be up again on a horse after my brain injury (which was not caused by a horse). I did it!!

Even if you feel caught in "the weeds," remind yourself life is a gift. Instead of telling yourself, "I have to do this" shift your thinking to " I get to do this!" Perspective is everything!

The Terry Fox Run was a big deal for Jeff for many years. I remember the first year we were dating, I almost missed my work flight out to Vancouver that Sunday as he really wanted to do this run and I promised to do it with him. And since that time, it was important for him to do each year. He marked it on our calendar months in advance of the event. When we had kids, we brought them as babies into it with a stroller. Jeff thought Terry Fox was a brave young man. He felt f...or him, going through cancer and leaving this Earth at such a young age. He was Canadian and Jeff was a proud Canadian. This was also an event he participated in with his parents and brother as a youth. So, Jeff also really valued this time doing something active with the family in honour of a great cause inspired by a brave person - Terry Fox. And, Jeff's Mom passed away over 20 years ago of breast cancer. Jeff's Mom was a pivotal influence on his life. This picture is of Jeff and us participating in the run, even after he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and told he had months left to live. Today, the girls and I participated in the 'more off grid COVID style' Terry Fox run. I ran in memory of Jeff, my Dad, Jeff's Mom and Melanie who continues the fight and all of the other amazing people impacted or who will be impacted by this beast. It's never too late to donate and participate!https://terryfox.org/

I'm not sure what's going on this week with the animals (other than Fall!) but last weekend there was a chipmunk I was trying to get out of the cottage we were at, then when we came home a mouse was in our house. Now, a raccoon tore apart our deck and is living here!

Last night I was just about to head upstairs to bed, tired after a big day, when a mouse runs in front of me on the floor. Aaaahhh! Meet my extermination team! #mouseinthehouse

Are you on the right path in your career and your personal life? I remember a point in my career where I felt "okay" with where I was at, but I knew it was time to make a switch. I did end up making the leap from an executive role to starting my own leadership development firm, Potential Unlimited. Now, I work with all kinds of great people on coaching them to be their best and also, through my Career Coaching Program, helping them to figure out what their "right" path is and how to take action on getting the life and career that is the best fit for them now. I get out of bed excited each day to do what I do, and I wish that for you! Reach out to me today to learn more about finding the right coaching program to help you live the life you want! www.potentialunlimited.ca

Like so many other parents right now, I'm feeling a mix of emotions with the kids going back to school. Happy, at the prospect of having more time to myself yet scared about what the Fall might bring #covid19 I want to keep my babies safe, but want to move ahead. #uncertainty

My girls are gone for the afternoon and I feel like I have been hit by a mack truck since they left. Grief is my constant companion. In this moment it is so heavy, it feels like it is trying to pull me under. I miss Jeff's smile, his voice, his love and all of the little things that only I know about him. I am so sad without him yet I know I have no choice but to go on without him here on this Earth. I am so proud of myself and how I have been authentically navigating this grief, raising our two girls by myself with a brain injury and throughout Covid. And I want so badly to create this kick ass life for myself, our girls and in Jeff's honor. But today, I wrap myself in his sweater and sit in his chair, feeling absolutely zapped of my physical and mental energy, missing my soul mate more than words can say...

As I walked by a young couple on a bench, I noticed he was busy on his cell phone. She was fidgeting with her hands & looked sad. I was making a judgment of what I saw in that moment. But I wanted to urge him to put down his cell & look into her eyes. But, I just kept walking.

I wanted to share this beautiful video on grief that one of my Twitter contacts shared with me. If you are feeling grief, you are not alone. It is my constant friend, enemy, reminder of Jeff, fears for the future, my work, my pain, my safe place to curl into with Jeff. https://youtu.be/0tZ9U-iMuEw

A nice day to go for a walk!

The weather was rough but I found myself being drawn to the beach. I grabbed my board and as I walked along the street to get there, I could see Jeff in my mind driving along that same street two years ago, heading out for a medical test. He told me to stay at the cottage with the girls and he'd be back the next morning. The girls chased his car, running down the road crying "Daddy come back!" I caught up to them, held them and said a silent prayer that Jeff would not be leav...ing us for good. But, he did leave us. He fought so damn hard, but now looking back it felt like he didn't have a chance. It was now raining and I was crying as I reached the water's edge. I charged in, feeling as wild as the waves. I was all alone on the beach.This was my moment of reckoning with God. I yelled as I fought my way through the waves. I was knocked down & had the wind knocked out of me (3 times).But, I persisted, angry as hell & heartbroken all at once. Then I became tired out and just started to ride the waves. #grief See more

I hate that my girls lost their Dad to esophageal cancer I would do anything to take away their grief but I can't "fix" it. All I can do is hold them tight as the waves of grief roll in, let them wash over us, and help our family write on our new blank space.

We have a special visitor who is sticking to my big girl like glue for a few hours and counting!

Welcome to my happy place! #lakehuron

Beauty is all around us. We just need to be open to getting out of our heads to be present and take in how breathtaking this world is.

I have been a gym member for 25 years, although haven't gone back quite yet since COVID-19. Right now, I am embracing exercising outdoors. It's also great for stress. Going for a trail walk has been proven to lower cortisol levels triggered by stress.

Grief can feel very lonely. But you are not alone and that is why I share my story. I'm putting out a challenge to each of you. If you have experienced grief, hit like on this post. Then take a look at all of the people here who 'get' it.

1 year ago today, my husband was buried here. I stayed behind after the ceremony, watched him lowered in, 3 truckloads of dirt dumped over him, then raked. When the workers left, I took off my sandles and laid down beside him and cried. Our journey on this Earth was now done. The sadness I am feeling inside is agonizing.

I always envisioned Jeff and I taking long walks with Hunt Dog as our girls grow and start to live more of their own lives. But plans can change in a heart beat.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I know I won't..."this too shall pass..." But the kids, one in particular, are giving me attitude. My brain is feeling exhausted after pushing it harder than I likely should have on the weekend to take the girls away for some fun. And as the sole parent on this Earth, there is just a lot with back-to-school, work, house stuff, parenting, etc. And, I am missing Jeff. Even though the year anniversary of his death has passed, I feel like I am missing him more now. I planned a fun day with the girls then which was helpful for me too. But, now I am sitting with his loss when I need him and want him so much.

I took the girls on the most difficult level hike at Algonquin. There were mosquito bites, tears (not me although a swear word crossed my mind!) and I got stung by a bee, but we did it. We talked about how life is not always comfortable, but it is all part of the journey. Just like our hike.

This past Friday was the one year anniversary of my husband Jeff's death. So, what did we do to mark the day? I loaded our kids up and took them to a cabin in the middle of no where. I just wanted to hold my babies, talk about their Dad and start to build new memories. And I pray that in some way, he still got to be a part of things with us.

My amazing husband Jeff died one year ago today of cancer while lying in my arms. Sometimes I still wonder, how did we get here? On one hand, it feels like he died just yesterday. On the other hand, it seems like another lifetime ago. Jeff, I hope you are in paradise right now. You sure made my life Heaven on Earth while you were here.

When I wear this shirt to workout, it's not for the back ventilation! At the hospice, a nurse cut it to slip easier over Jeff's head. Now, he doesn't get to run or lift weights or parent our kids. But I do. This shirt's a symbol of me carrying the torch for him here on Earth.

One year ago today, I made the decision to move Jeff to the hospice. I was thankful his brother Jon was down at the time and I talked this through with him. Jeff trusted me completely to make healthcare decisions on his behalf. Sometimes this felt like a lot of pressure. He knew I was a fierceless advocate when it came to him and didn't leave any stone unturned when it came to treatment options or medications. And his job was to fight this beast within him. There is no doubt ...I got the easier of the two jobs. After he went through chemo, radiation and major surgery for the stage 3 espohageal cancer, we hoped we could move ahead with him cancer free. But a few months later, we learned that was not the case when the cancer had spread throughout the peritoneal linng of his stomach and he was told he was stage 4 cancer with months left to live. At that time, I thought it would be about quality time and managing pain. But within weeks of hearing that latest prognosis, Jeff rallied again and told me that he wanted to keep fighting. So, I really needed to play both sides of the fence. I needed to throw myself completely into research and talking to doctors from all over the world who specialize in this kind of cancer. But, I also am a Mama Bear who wanted to ensure that Jeff and the girls create so many amazing memories together because we don't know what the near term future held for him. I understood the statistics around what we were up against, as Jeff did, but I also believed if anyone could do this it would be Jeff. So Jeff fought and fought. But, moving to the hospice marked a turn in the fight. He was still fighting because he didn't know how not to fight anymore. But the day he was wheeled into the hospice, he and I knew that the journey was taking us down a different path now. It really became about making him comfortable. About trying to come to terms with letting each other go. Something neither of us wanted to do. We would never be ready to let go. It felt like we were being ripped out of each other’s arms. Last night, our eldest daughter hurt her foot. She was screaming in pain. I was trying to calm her and get a look at her foot. She said, God won’t help me feel better. He didn’t help Daddy and he’s not going to help me either. Hearing that I got a lump in my throat. I wanted to be the good Christian and parent who had some insightful answer for her to direct her back on the path to loving God. Yet, all I could do was hold her and tell her I love her. I have a lot of those same questions too. I do still believe in God, yet I don’t understand so much in this world. But I do pray that Jeff has found peace in Heaven, and I hope that he can somehow still be with us forever. See more

This weekend, I received an email from someone I have never met. She had Jeff as a professor and was aware that we were coming up on the year anniversary of his death. She asked where our plot was located and at what cemetery as she wanted to go visit him. I know that Jeff loved his job teaching. At the end of each semester, I would read all his raving reviews from students and see his top scores from their feedback done on him and provided to the College. I have been extre...mely touched, as I know Jeff was when he was alive, at how so many of his current and past students reached out to him. They made him get well videos, sent him cheesy Christmas sweaters, even bought our entire family Raptors tickets (much against Jeff's will as he hated the thought of a past student spending that kind of money on him, but he was very thankful for this special time with us). Jeff also has scholarships at three different schools in his honour already. And for those who attended his visitation or funeral, you know it was a packed house on both accounts. Jeff touched so many people in his 46 years on this Earth. I look at the way he lived his life and was loved by so many. That feels like something that so many of us strive for in our lives. To make a difference. To have impacted others. I know he has inspired me to try to be a better person every day.

A lot of days after the death of my husband, this feels like my dreams for the future. But there is this little voice inside of me that is telling me to keep going. This voice of hope feels like a life line that is walking me through the darkness.

Watching my kids play at the beach today, I felt a quiet sadness that their Dad isn't alive to see them. I smile as I watch them and hear them laugh. I am so thankful they can find times of joy in the midst of their grief. Jeff and I had been scared that if he dies, it would snuff out their joy. But as I listen to the birds sing and feel the warm breeze, I feel this intense void in our lives. Then on the way home, a bald eagle flew above my car. My brother Craig has seen them... from time to time, but I have never seen one in Ontario before in the wild. The last time I had seen them was when Jeff and I jogged along the beach in Tofino, B. C. when we were dating. They are beautiful majestic creatures and when they choose a mate, it is for life. Maybe Jeff is now a part of the wind and sun surrounding that eagle & us. A nice thought, yet it feels like a consolation prize selfishly to me as I just want to hold his hand, see his eyes and hear his voice. See more

I spent yesterday, reflecting and resting, at the spa. I must have looked in desperate need of some rejuvenation because when I arrived in Elora the road was closed down due to construction so I asked the young cop what road I need to take to the spa. He decided to give me a police escort right to the spa's front door. He knows a woman on a mission to the spa is an emergency!!!! Lol

Today is our 12th wedding anniversary. It is also the first one that Jeff is in Heaven. It seems like this day was just yesterday and a lifetime ago, all at once. We said "In sickness and in health," and our relationship endured a lot more sickness. We went from two people who had the world ahead of us this day. We were both super active people. Both had Masters Degrees and good jobs. Then life handed us some challenges with my brain injury. Then the bomb was dropped on u...s in 2017 that Jeff had stage 3 esophageal cancer, which despite treatment and surgery, ended up being terminal cancer which then led to a paralyzing stroke. I have learned that it is not hard to get along with someone when life is fun and easy. It is during times of hardships when people find out as couples and as individuals what they are really made of. Jeff gave me so much in our time together. Unconditional, true love. Two beautiful children. Endless support. And in return, I gave those things right back to him. Jeff balanced me out and I added a level of fun and adventure to his life. Together, we were an amazing team. I am still trying to sort through our new relationship now. I dream about him most nights. I have even seen him once and then watched as he disappeared right in front of my eyes. Since then, I haven't dreamed of him as much. I selfishly don't want that to be our good bye. I want him forever. Yet, I know I need to let part of him go to move ahead in the world. But, I also want to move ahead with him somehow. It is not an easy balance. Its like I need to get use to living life on this Earth without Jeff if I don't want to be as sad, yet a big part of me, doesn't want to let go of him. His closet still has his clothes in it and I still have his toothbrush waiting by his sink in the bathroom. I know that will be the last thing I take down someday. Its as if leaving it there soothes the part in my soul that wants to have it there for him in case he comes back. Yet, my brain knows that isn't going to happen. Jeff, you made me the happiest woman in the world since the day you walked into my life. Even if I would have known how this all would end, I would still choose you, my love. I love you. I love you. I love you. See more

Savour every moment. I am so thankful for this special time with my 11 year old. Parenting is not easy, but moments like this feel magical!

It's going to be a challenge coming back to reality when this cottage time is done!

No wonder I have been staying in bed an extra hour longer when this is my view!

I have always wanted to do yoga by the water. Today, I did it! Yes, it did pour rain most of the time. But, I have learned we can't control all the variables in life, but we can decide to still 'dance, or in my case, do yoga, in the rain.'