The Refuge: Centre for Healing and Recovery
5420 Highway 6 North N1H 6J2 Guelph, ON, Canada

Even in a healthy relationship, mistakes, carelessness, and conflict are inevitable. The right repairs at the right time can make all the difference. Resolve d...isagreements and get your message through by finding common ground, sharing when you feel persuaded, and stating when you need to take a break or when you feel that you're both moving towards a solution. Together, you can get back on track during conflict. Learn how to get back on track during conflict together and use repairs in the Art and Science of Love Online. Get 25% off with code 25ASL2020: http://bit.ly/SmallThingsOften

We humans are storytellers by nature, weaving the language of words and images as we reflect upon, make sense of, and bear witness to the unfolding of meaning i...n our lives. As Maya Angelou so powerfully reminds us, There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. The body also has a story, a somatic narrative. The language of the body is not words, but sensations, which carry life essence. How the body views and organizes experience is by way a vast network of intelligence and is speaking to us all the time. It is also agonizing to bear an untold somatic story, which many with histories of trauma and other relational wounding know inside their muscles, nervous systems, and cell tissue. Within a sanctuary of safety, this more subtle language can be illuminated, articulated, and integrated slowly, one microsecond at a time. As the narratives of body and mind are interlaced and interwoven, we move toward wholeness, as the multilayered storylines can emerge in more coherent, compassionate, and merciful ways. While it can seem so dense and tangled at times, so uncertain, so lonely, and so scary the pathways are ripe for reorganization and long in their own way to open and reorganize. It is safety and love that will facilitate that process. Photo: autumn glory at Maroon Bells, by Mike Scheid

This. Hits. Hard. The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself conditioning i...s a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you we’re in this together or I got you then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE. You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. So, you don’t trust anyone. And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people. To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable. Never again, you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. It’s a trauma response. The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. You are worthy of having support. You are worthy of having true partnership. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of having your heart held. You are worthy to be adored. You are worthy to be cherished. You are worthy to have someone say, You rest. I got this. And actually deliver on that promise. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to bargain for it. You don’t have to beg for it. You are worthy. Worthy. Simply because you exist. -Jamila White, @inspiredjamila

Whew. I am seeing a LOT of this recently, felt the need to make a PSA. Millions of Americans now know what "Gaslighting" is, what it feels like, how to recogniz...e and combat it. Well, meet The Sealion. They answer all your posts with "Why?", "Can you explain it to me" "Will you cite your source", "what does that mean?". Now, these folks must KNOW they can get to me, because I blab a lot, and I genuinely like to hear other positions, other sides. Until recently (Pre-mango) I would totally take the bait. Now, that same willingness to inform has made me (and lots of you) a target for this sort of Trolling. And just yesterday I ran up against no less than five, well-educated, Definite Sealions WHAT IS A SEALION?? PASTED, full link below "Where’s the evidence of that?" "Explain to me what you meant by that statement." "I’m just trying to ask nicely, why are you getting aggressive?" Nothing seems wrong with these right? They’re polite questions, no? No, explains mental health professional and social worker Hena Faqurudheen, Sealioning is the attempt to troll or harass a person by asking them to spend their time and effort to educate you. Some people define it as a form of "aggressive cluelessness" - citing one's own ignorance to get someone else to explain things for you. But here's the other thing - it also never ends. Invariably, the person continues to keep asking questions, expecting that you will continue to answer. And because we want to be considered right and honest, we expend time and energy to prove our point. But this form of "discussion" often ends up frustrating those of us who have set out to educate. In 2017, Harvard University did a study on forms of harmful speech, explaining that sealioning was, an intentional, combative performance of cluelessness. It includes a mix of persistent questions, about basic and easily Google-able information, and comments about civility and ‘logical debate.’" So, now YOU KNOW the Sealion Quote: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sealioning https://fit.thequint.com//gaslighting-sealioning-mental-he https://www.google.com//define.php%3fterm=Sealioning&=t

Finding one’s inner bear / roar / voice or waking the tiger, as Levine puts it. Beautifully illustrated metaphor of SE and parts work in one.