Sara Notenboom, M.A., Registered Psychotherapist
507 Lakeshore Rd E Suite 216 L5G 1H9 Mississauga, ON, Canada

Because healing always occurs in the space of attuned presence. #psychotherapy #therapy #counselling #safety #presence #love #loved #healing #healingfromtrauma #holdspaceforhealing #relationship #nurture #innerchildhealing #innerchild #grounding #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #attachment #attachmentfigure #purpose #loveheals #fear #mississauga #portcredit #myportcredit #gta #toronto #canada

Never forget that your life is your masterpiece. You don't need anyone's permission to go after what expands your heart and excites your soul. There is no such thing as "too much" "too little" "weird" "eccentric" "not enough" because those words are merely opinions, not facts. ... The gift of your life is the ability that you have to choose. You have the privilege of choosing how you spend your time, and who you spend it with. You get to paint with the colours of your choosing. And yes, there will be parts of your masterpiece that might be darker, and painted by the hand of life rather than by you. Those colours might be less joyous, dampened by pain and tragedy, but never forget, that if we allow it to, pain can transform us, and allow us to eventually shine brighter- more authentically. The dark colours eventually give rise to the brighter ones. Because here's the thing, we need our pain. We need it to help us grow, expand, reflect, re-prioritize, and eventually embrace. To embrace the notion that it takes all colours to make a masterpiece truly beautiful. Because as you come to reflect on your masterpiece you come to realize that the darker colours, they are sacred and beautifully transformative. Those colours- they deserve to be witnessed. Please don't spend your time painting something other people think you should. Please know that your masterpiece is supposed to look unique, because it supposed to be yours and yours alone. There are no rules to creating it, even if some continue to tell you that there are. Love deeply. Take the time to be present. FOLLOW YOUR INTERNAL KNOWING. PLEASE. Tell fear it is wrong. Tell fear that you are stronger and that there is no way that you are going to allow it to stop you from painting with the brightest colours. Then tell it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. (*repeat as needed*) Here's to painting with unapologetic abandon. Your masterpiece is yours. DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT. So, please if you do anything, go CLAIM YOUR LIFE, RIGHT NOW. #psychotherapy #therapy #counselling #success #successmindset #risk #risktaker #mindset ##mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mississauga

Take the time to really see people. Like really see them, because to see another human being for exactly who they are is the single greatest gift you could ever offer another person, for THAT is what we are ALL wishing and hoping for, underneath it all. It has come to be my belief through the work that I have done as a crisis line worker, support group facilitator, educational assistant, mentor, psychotherapist and college professor for the last 10years, that we as humans ar...e starved. We are starving for authentic connection- to be seen and embraced without fear of judgment or ridicule. To be given the permission to take off the masks we wear each day that have unfortunately, become impairative to day-to-day functioning. To be lovingly embraced and metaphorically (and sometimes literally) held while we courageously reveal the most tender (vulnerable, shame-filled, humiliating, embarrasing etc.) parts of our life stories. To be validated, even in the face of opposing views. To be unconditionally accepted and to be seen as more than a series of " bad" behaviours or "poor" choices. To be seen as more than a label. To be met with the understanding that anger, and defensiveness are symptoms of hurt and fear. To be met with the knowing that all behaviours serve as an attempt to meet some basic and inherently human need. To be met with the knowing that all behaviour is either loving or a call for love. Always. To see someone is to love them fiercely and completely. To see someone is to cultivate a space for healing, and ultimately, for freedom. People often ask me how I can do my job. How I can listen to stories of pain, suffering, trauma and tragedy all day. But to be honest as heart breaking as those stories can be to bear witness to, those are not the things that stick with me. What sticks with me are those experiences in which someone has told me the details of their life story (including all the tender parts) and then they reveal that I am the only one to know that information about them. (Continued in comments...)

"How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved." - Sigmund Freud Ah, the magic and empowerment of secure connection. Time and time again, people talk to me about their desire to be completely independent, self-reliant, and self-sufficient. I typically follow their assertions with questions of how they feel this might be helpful to them, and what kind of benefit they feel it will provide them and what has influenced them to believe that radical self-reliance is indicativ...e of mental health and psychological wellbeing. While individual stories may differ, a common theme I hear is that society tells us that to be considered successful we need to learn to be totally self-reliant. I hear that there is a sense of shame around relying on others, asking for support or help for fear of becoming dependent. And while I wholeheartedly agree that total dependence on others may point to underdeveloped parts of the self, the presence of fear, self-doubt and insecurity, looking to others for support can actually help to foster independence and personal empowerment. I invite people to ponder on the notion of interdependence. That is, the idea that for us to truly claim our independence, we need to be securely rooted in relationships with others. Allow me to explain... It is only through cultivating and maintaining connections with others that we are truly able to commit to what makes us shine. It is through knowing that we have people in our lives in front of whom we can show our authentic selves that we are truly able to risk, and reach beyond our comfort zone. We need to know that we have certain people in our lives who are 100% behind us to facilitate our personal expansion. Without having these people, the risks become too big and too fear provoking, because we run the risk of being completely shattered and deflated if the outcome is not favourable. We need these people in our lives to remind us that a failure or a mistake has absolutely no bearing on our worth and that we are still just as inherently valuable and lovable as we were before we fell on our face. Relational security fosters personal empowerment. Strive for interdependence.

No one has the power to define or determine your worth. No one. Not your mother, father, sister, brother, step-parent, teacher, coach, spouse/partner etc. ... Your worth is a gift granted to you with your being. It is constant and unchanging. Even in the face of countless mistakes and failures it remains unchanged. It is not contingent on the fulfillment of conditions. Ever. It just is. Despite the messages you may have heard, perfectionism is not a prerequisite for lovability. You always have the right to ask for what you need. You always have the right to feel safe. You always have the right to feel valued. You always have the right to your dreams. You always have the right to seek comfort. You always have the right to speak about the things that you are proud of. You always have the right to say that you love yourself. You always have the right to joy and happiness. You always have a right to compassion. You don't have to do anything to earn or deserve it. #psychotherapy #therapy #counselling #value #worth #worthy #selflove #love #rights #selfesteem #confidence #you #honoryou #happiness #joy #safe #compassion #pride #confidenceboost #comfort #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #successmindset #sacredunfolding #being #gift #positive #portcredit #myportcredit #mississauga

Truth be told, up until the last 3 years or so, I have had a mixed relationship with the concept of boundaries. I used to reject the notion that one needs to set boundaries to maintain healthy relationships. I perceived the concept of holding boundaries as being synonymous with rejection, harshness and emotional cut off. I wanted my life and relationships to be a reflection of anything but that. I never wanted anyone to feel rejected or dismissed in my presence. And so, I vo...wed to be open. To say yes. To try and be "loving." So there I was... saying yes, again, again, and again. Because I thought it was the loving and kind thing to do. That was until I started noticing myself becoming angry and resentful. I said "yes" when I meant "no." I began to become curious about where my tendency to say "yes" when I meant "no" came from. It came from fear. Fear of being seen as cold. Of being seen as mean. Of being seen as harsh and rejecting. Of being seen as someone who is not safe or nurturing. I also noted that it came from a fear of not being worthy. Of being cut off from the love of others. As I reflected, I discovered that I learned to place higher importance on the needs of others rather than on my own needs, because I had internalized the notion that my needs were burdensome to those around me. However, when I began to cultivate relationships in which I had the experience of being seen and loved for who I am, and in which my needs could exist without being shamed, I realized that by over-giving, and over-extending I was not allowing myself to be loved, because I was not allowing myself to really exist. I learned that not having boundaries actually does not allow us to be seen. We think it does, because not having boundaries at a certain point in time may have allowed us to 'keep the peace' in certain environments in an attempt to get our needs met, especially if we grow up in environments in which there is a high degree of emotional unpredictability and chaos. In such environments, denying one's needs may earn praise and positive feedback... it may earn us the label of being the "good kid" for example. (Continued in comments...)

When people ask me about my disability, I am quick to tell them that it has afforded me many lessons, and that even if I could change it, I wouldn’t. But it wasn’t until some years ago while I was sitting in a meeting with my supervisor, that she asked me to identify the specific lessons my disability has granted me. Up until that point, these lessons had remained undefined. They were abstract, yet they had a strong presence in my life, for I feel they had guided the many cho...ices I have made. So, as I was sitting there, and as she waited intently on an answer, I stated imperfection. Imperfection, and the necessity of it in our lives, is one of the most profound lessons that living with a disability has taught me. By definition, my body is imperfect. As much as I could try, I will never be able to hide the way I walk- my legs always have, and always will, move differently. My body will always be imperfect, and it was in the process of truly accepting this, that my lesson was found. If you were to look for words synonymous with imperfection you would most likely find words like defect, deficiency, blemish, fault, weakness, limitation, and so on. Words slanted with negativity which tend inspire feelings of not good enough, shame, and self-judgement. Words and feelings that foster disconnection, separation, and which give strength to the fear that often makes us retreat and isolate. But here’s the thing: Imperfection comes with being human. We all have unique imperfections, visible or invisible. Imperfection is inexorably intertwined with the human experience. It is universal, shared, and normal, and it is by truly recognizing this, that the negativity we often associate with imperfection is dissolved, and it becomes devoid of its power to keep us small. Instead, imperfection becomes the basis of personal authenticity and connection- it becomes abundantly powerful. When we recognize that there is nothing inherently wrong with our imperfections (because we all have them), we grant ourselves the freedom to love ourselves for our imperfections. (Continued in comments)

And then you're reminded that it all centers on love. Love is an enduring gift which transcends the limits of the human life. It knows not of time or mortality. It is the essence of presence and is the only thing which remains constant in this ever changing world. #psychotherapy #therapy #counselling #safe #safety #support #love #kindness #gift #heal #healing #loveheals #allyouneedislove #relationship #saferelationship #human #compassion #connection #transcend #power #hope #portcredit #myportcredit #mississauga #gta #toronto

When you have no control over what happened to you, you should have control over who you tell about it. When an event (or events) occurs in which you experience a loss of control, a pervasive sense of helplessness and fear, the impacts can be far reaching. Experiencing trauma can severely disrupt our sense of safety and trust in ourselves, in others and in the world in general. Trauma then, is coupled with a sense of loss, specifically a loss of one's 'assumptive world.' Tha...t is, upon the occurence of a traumatic event(s), that which one assumed to be true about the world and their place in it is called into question. And so, when we take the courageous step to explore and heal from that which occured, it is crucial that our partners in our healing cultivate a culture of safety and nurturance for us so that we are able to exercise control and autonomy over the pace of our healing/exploratory process. Being able to exercise choice is crucial to healing. Being able to exercise choice is crucial to being able to re-establish safety and trust in the world. You get to choose who you share your story with. You get to choose the parts of your story you want to share. You get to choose the context in which you share your story. You get to choose when you share your story. You don't owe anyone your story. You don't owe anyone your story. You don't owe anyone your story. Read that until you believe it in your bones. With your story, you have the power of choice. Remember that above all else. You don't need to apologize if that makes someone else angry, uncomfortable, irritated, frustrated or offended. That is theirs to deal with. Let people have their reactions. You are not doing anything wrong. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE. YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE YOUR STORY. Exercising choice is the foundation of healing. #psychotherapy #therapy #counselling #safety #trust #hope #healing #healingfromtrauma #trauma #choice #power #empowerment #story #ownership #youareabadass #warrior #autonomy #journey #cope #coping #explore #showupforyourself #selflove #noapologies #love #myportcredit #portcredit #mississauga #gta #toronto

As we continue to navigate the days of COVID-19, I have begun to notice a that many are feeling the pressure to be productive and to contribute in a meaningful way. Many have shared that although they experience this, they also feel a great loss of motivation, and are finding themselves to be increasingly tired. As such, many are living in a space of tension between experiencing the push to produce and wanting to rest. Consequently, I have noted that many are experiencing a s...ense of guilt. Guilt around not doing enough- feeling like they should be doing more, and that they being "bad" for wanting to rest. This, I found has also lent to an overwhelming sense of powerlessness, which when felt, has moved people back into wanting to do more. Welcome more guilt, along with frustration, anger helplessness and perhaps even shame. In saying this, I invite you to reflect on the notion that what we are experiencing is a collective trauma. This means that our nervous systems are on over-drive (hyperarousal) or under-drive (hypoarousal) as we attempt to process our collective situation each day. Because our nervous systems are distressed, it makes sense that we might be feeling a lack of motivation, an increased sense of fatigue, heightened anxiety, a compromised ability to focus/concentrate, a decreased ability to think clearly or remember things, a higher sense of panic, difficulty remaining present and an increased desire to do nothing or do everything (and feel panicked at the fact that we can't). Remember that you are doing the best you can. Give yourself permission. Give yourself permission to be where you are. Your lack of productivity is not a reflection of you being weak. Your productivity level is not tied to your value or worth. I promise. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. #psychotherapy #therapy #safe #safety #trauma #traumatic #collectivetrauma #gentle #heal #healing #permission #worthy #love #selflove #value #productivity #compassion #selfcompassion #imperfection #holdspaceforhealing #human #humanity #covid_19 #coronavirus #portcredit #myportcredit #mississauga #gta #toronto #canada

To be able to go to another and have them really see you is so extremely powerful, and is, I believe, the centre of love. Love is about being seen. Love is about being felt. Love is about empathy. Love is about the willingness to hear about the other person's version of reality, and unconditionally accept it as their truth. Validation is immensely healing. However, as healing as it is when it is present, it is equally as harmful when it is denied. As I reflect on the pain I h...ave witnessed in the last couple of days, I realize that at the root of it all has been a pervasive sense of invalidation. When we go to someone in need of connection (validation, normalization, empathy) and it is denied, it can be traumatic and can lead to the formation of enduring beliefs that influence one's relationship with themselves, others and the world. To invalidate another is to give them the message of unimportance- a sense that who they are, and what they go through is not valid. That they are not valid. Not valued. That they don't matter. And so, to protect against the pain of invalidation, we deny our needs, and cling to the "ideal" of complete self-sufficiency because it is safe. Independence becomes comfortable and protective. Except, we are human, and to be human is to need and crave connection with others. As a result, we become torn between the yearning for connection and the fear of rejection if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and reach out. Recognize that when another reaches out for comfort they are taking an immense risk, and that you as the individual who they are seeking the validation from holds incredible power to either heal or hurt. Strive to validate, even in the face of uncomfortable feelings. Even in the face of anxiety, discomfort, or reactionary defensiveness. If someone has revealed that they are in pain or even that you have hurt them, recognize that you are important enough to them that they want to connect with you. Be willing to hold their pain, while practicing self-compassion, recognizing that you, like them is imperfectly and beautifully human. Hold space, because the willingness to hold that space is far more powerful than we often realize.