Susan B. Arlitt
2039 Robertson Road, Suite 209 K2H 7J2 Nepean, ON, Canada

I have a reputation as a lawyer for being reasonable but also "tough". If you don't want to be reasonable, get ready for a fight, but be prepared for the consequences. One side will win and the other will lose. The loser pays the winner's costs. That's how it goes down. I don't counsel clients to start the war unless the odds are very much in their favour. The wild card is the judge. There is always a risk involved with going to court, so get good advice before you take on the risk.

I have as clients many women who have been physically, emotionally and financially abused by their partners. I'm not saying men can't be in the same position, but that is less often the case. Sometimes the abuse extends to the children as well; or the children are witnesses to abuse - which also translates to abuse of children. It can be extremely difficult to secure the kind of protection these women need for their safety and the safety of the children, largely because that... kind of abuse usually includes threats to hurt or kill if it is disclosed. In the context of family law proceedings, obviously the abuser will deny the allegations, and without evidence to the contrary, it's his word against hers. Worse, the typical allegation is made that the woman is manipulating the system to achieve what she wants. Courts are all about evidence - not from family or friends, but evidence from disinterested third party professionals, such as doctors, police, social workers, child protection agencies. So if this is happening to you, get yourself and the children to a doctor, or better, the police; and explain what is happening. Show them the bruises, let the children tell their own story, and don't coach them. Do it now, because domestic violence often turns into death, as we all know from the news. Get help for yourself and your children. Keep your family safe. If you persist in keeping domestic violence a secret, not only do you risk the safety of your family, you risk having your children taken into care by a child protection agency because you failed to take measures to keep them safe. If you have nowhere to go, get yourself to a shelter. You may be reluctant to remove the kids from their home; but a shelter would be better than staying in harm's way. Next step: get to a lawyer, who can achieve the legal protection you need, using the evidence you've gathered by being a responsible, caring parent. Remember there is a way out. Be brave. Don't wait until it's too late.

Up the street from my home is a neighbour's home-made ice rink occupying the entire front yard. In the fall he set up boards to frame it, and ever since the first cold snap, he's been dutifully flooding the rink. He can be seen outside playing hockey with his son and friends, and on weekends, other dads join in. I call this neighbour "Super Dad" because of the ongoing commitment and effort invested for his son. You don't have to go to such lengths to be a great parent, howev...er. Just be engaged and involved in your kids' lives, and you will forever be a great role model and mentor for your child. That means taking on the not-so-fun jobs too, like helping with the nightly homework, making school lunches, making sure your kids get to bed for a good night's sleep, getting them to appointments. That translates to what should happen in the event of a separation as well. There is such a thing as "the Santa Syndrome", where the weekend parent is there for all the fun times, while the weekday parent carries the day to day burden of making sure the commitments are met. Kids love to be around the fun parent, but as kids mature, they see more clearly who was there for them when times weren't so much fun. If you're a weekend parent, take on some of the day to day tasks and give the other parent a break. Make sure the homework's done during your time: don't leave it to the other parent. Make sure the child is returned in clean clothing, not just returning the dirty laundry. Don't keep your child up so late watching movies that he's exhausted for a few days after returning to the other parent. Having respect for the other parent is an important component of being a good parent yourself. Whether it's building a hockey rink or making meals or ensuring your child takes on household chores, your child will remember the sacrifices you've made and has a better opportunity to become the kind of person you yourself admire.