Susan Bauld Child Psychology
#208 14101 West Block Drive T5N 1L5 Edmonton, AB, Canada

Raise your hand if you’re a cycle breaker. Then pause, place that hand on your heart, take a deep breath, and give yourself some credit for all you’re doing. Yo...u’re working so hard. Allow yourself to see it and celebrate it. And now, consider this: we don’t break cycles by interacting with our kids differently than our parents interacted with us. We break cycles by interacting with ourselves differently than our parents interacted with us. After all, we can’t give out what we don’t give in. To show compassion to your kids, you have to practice compassion with yourself. To become more patient with your kids, you have to start with patience with yourself. So take another moment. Keep your hand on your heart a bit longer. Take one more breath. You’re changing. You’re cycle-breaking right now. Tag a fellow cycle-breaker below. And checkout the comments. Look at this movement of cycle-breakers that you’re a part of. You belong here. Feel the power of not being alone. Let’s come together and remember - this is massive. When we act as cycle-breakers, we’re truly changing the world, one person at a time. For more on cycle-breaking check out this week’s podcast episode with Jelani Memory - available on all major podcast platforms.

I often imagine that our feelings are little characters inside us, often screaming, "Hey, people! You have us ALL WRONG! You think you need to solve us or chang...e us or give us advice to go away... but no! Please just notice us and validate that we are real and allow us to exist inside your body. If you do, then we won't give you such a hard time, we won't get so inflamed." Why is this? Well, feelings are only scary if we are alone in them. Bear with me because I want to write that out again, with some space around it to highlight its importance: Feelings are only scary if we are alone in them. When your child is sad and feeling left out, more painful than the feeling is not having a parent who wants to understand. When your child is frustrated after her block tower falls down, what makes the feeling worse is having a parent trying to convince her that it's no big deal. Our attempts to change our children's feelings - which comes from best intentions, for sure - just leaves children alone with the feeling they have, which makes the feeling itself feel that much worse. When we support instead of solve, it's as if we are saying to the feeling: "Hey feeling! I see you. I'm here with you. We will weather this storm together." And well... the feelings immediately start to simmer a bit. The feelings aren't alone. The feelings feel safer. This is how kids learn regulation and from regulation... comes resilience. Resilience comes from tolerating (not fixing) uncomfortable emotions. So how we approach feelings in the early years relates directly to how resilient a person is in the later years. This means that when we see our children experiencing some of life's more distressing emotions... we need to notice our urge to fix and instead find a voice in us that names and allows the feeling. Ok, let's make this concrete so it's usable for all of you: check out the examples on the second and third slide or try this the next time your child is having a hard time. Say to your child, "I hear you" or "That stinks" or "I'm glad you shared that with me" and then count to 30 in your head before allowing your fixing / advice / solution voice to take over. See what happens.

Resharing this for everyone exhausted by this year, frazzled by Christmas and still doing their best to muddle through. You’re doing great. Keep going.

Shared by BehaviorFlip.

Click below to listen to this week's segment...coping with extra family time!

Follow @fullspiritquotes for more! Art @fullspiritquotes Turn the post notifications on ... Tag Share Comment Every day you have a new chapter to write about your journey of life. As you write that chapter, do it so well such that when others read it; you would still be proud of yourself. See more

Big questions from young kids are hard. The balance between dismissing or overwhelming with too-grown-up answers is hard to navigate. Here's a north star to fol...low: most kids aren't looking for facts and forecasting, they are looking for safety. We can soothe kids AND help build resilience to future adversity when our responses to these questions highlight strength, identity, and relationships- kinda like this otter mom who isn't #dismissive or toxically positivity, but helps little otter know that they are in a #family that will keep them safe and support them even through really hard things. As for us grownups: Be good to yourself. Offer yourself this same reassurance when thoughts get dark. Take extra care of yourself this week. If you haven't voted, vote. It's good for your country and it's good for your mental health. Taking physical ACTION is a powerful thing, especially in the face of the helplessness of 2020. Vote with kindness. Vote with empathy. Vote with care for the marginalized, mentally ill, and vulnerable. #parenting #raisingboys #workingmom #pandemicparenting

Click below for today's segment...coping with anxiety.

How’s everyone feeling today? Here’s a couple of tips to find calm when everything else feels out of control.

Two. Things. Are. True. . As lots of you know by now, sturdy leadership is a key concept for me. When our kids are having a hard time, they need to feel that th...ey are not "too much" for their parents, that they cannot overpower them with their tears or whines or dysregulated behavior. Why is this so important? Because at these moments, kids feel overwhelmed themselves - if they then get the message that their emotional state overwhelms their parents, it's game-over. Kids need to feel that their parents *recognize* and *give permission* for their feelings AND that their feelings do not take over and bleed into decision making. . Two things are true here: as parents we can make decisions that we think are best AND care about our kids' feelings about those decisions. These are two totally separate things. . Here's an example, which will make the point clearer: . Situation: Your child wants to watch a movie that you deem to be inappropriate for his age. Your child is very upset, telling you that all of his friends have seen it, that you're the worst parent ever, that he'll never talk to you again. . Your Decision: My child cannot watch this movie. Your Child's Feelings: Upset, Disappointed, Angry, Left Out . If only one of these can be true, then your child's feelings have to overrule your decision. And if tell yourself that *caring* about your child's feelings has to be linked to your decision making, then you definitely will change your mind to prove to yourself that you're a good loving mother. . Stay with me here, with the Two Things Are True approach: I am deciding that my child cannot watch this movie. My child feels upset, disappointed, angry, and left out. . This might sound like this: "Two things are true, sweetie. First, I have decided that you cannot watch that movie. Second, you're upset and mad at me, like really really made. I hear that. I even understand it. You're allowed to be mad." . Try these words aloud but also just in your head the next time you set a boundary. Remember, you don't have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation. Both can be true. See more

What we do is not who we are. . If we want to set up our kids for success in life, we have to teach them that they are not simply their latest behaviors. . When... our kids are having a hard time, we want to show them that we see goodness and loveability inside. A child needs to know that yes, I did talk back to my parents or yes, I did push that other child... and yet that is not who I am. This is what enables regulation and change. . The alternative is true as well, although we often aren't quite as attentive to it. Our children are not a collection of their "positive" behaviors either. Children who build up self-worth and feelings of loveability around their accomplishments become extremely fragile teens and young adults, clinging to external measures to define themselves. . Now, I'm a pragmatist. I'm not saying that when your child swims for the first time, you need to be neutral. I'm not saying that when your child finally ties her shoes for the first time, you need to inhibit a reaction. . Here's what I am saying: it's easy for kids to learn that their love-ability is directly correlated to their latest set of behaviors. And it's important to consider that any over-focus on behaviors - positive or negative ones - will lead to a struggle with self-esteem. . What's an alternative? Well, let's start with the words of this post. Our kids feel so safe when we assert our love for them as independent from the things that they do. . Here are some specific examples: . "I want you to know: no matter what happens next inning, I love you the same. I don't love you more if you hit a home run or less if you strike out. Either way, you're the same Rohan to me." . "You're having a hard week with your sister. I love you the same when you're arguing as when you two figure out how to get along. I mean, certainly the getting along is more pleasant for me. But LOVE? Yeah, no, that's the same both ways. You're the same Alex to me either way." . "You got into Honors Math! I can see how proud you feel. Here's the thing: that's awesome and also I want you to know that you're still the same Farrah to me. Honors Math and Regular Math, I love you the same." See more

Connecting to your child's distress encourages resilience. Taking away your child's distress encourages anxiety, as we teach our children that distress is scary... and to be avoided. . I often think about light switches: are we teaching our kids that their distress - meaning their struggling, their tough feelings, their disappointment - operates on an on-off light switch or a dimmer? DImmers = resilience. . I want my kids to go through life with their distress on a dimmer. Where they recognize that you can't make tough feelings go away but you can improve your distress tolerance. . How do you build this dimmer for your child? Focus on connecting so that your child is not alone in distress. Removing the aloneness component of distress and replacing it with presence, understanding, and support without solving... these are the main components of wiring your child for resilience. . Ok, so let's get more concrete: your child is saying, "I can't build this LEGO set!" or "I can't do this math problem!" - solving would be focusing on the outcome. Dimming would be focusing on connection. . So, try something like, "I'm right here with you" or "It feels hard because it IS hard!" or "You really know you're upset. I’m not going anywhere." . When your child says back, "THAT DOESN'T HELP... JUST DO IT FOR ME AND THEN I'LL FEEL BETTER," well, take a deep breath and say back lovingly, "I know sweetie. But we aren't going for better. If you learn only how to get out of a tough feeling, you won't be prepared for those feelings when they keep coming your way - which they will, and they do for me too!" Own this. . Even more powerful? Start working on this yourself. Right now, think about something you're anxious about or trying to "fix" and "make better." Maybe its something about this school year or an ongoing conflict with a friend or family member or some uncertainty about what to do in your job. . Right now, place your hand on your heart and send a message to your body: "I am not going to make this uncomfortable feeling go away. Hi uncomfortable feeling! I see you. I feel you. I am recognizing you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I care about you. We will get through this together." See more

I've been searching for a "Yes, that feels right" feeling. I want to feel more conviction and calm about the various decisions I'm making these days. I haven't ...found either - the conviction or the calm. If you know where they are hiding, please tell me. . If you’ve also been searching without success, well maybe what we're all looking for just isn't out there. Maybe that relief-after-decision feeling, that, "I've considered all options and I feel preeeetty good about where I've landed" feeling is on hiatus for a while. . Right now, the world feels wrong. Our worlds have been upended. Routines help us feel secure and stable, and the routines we've had for years have... vanished. . I used to go to a Monday morning workout class that set the stage for my week: I'd sweat, see friends, feel strong, leave ready to take on the world. I miss that class, but what I think I miss even more was the dependability: I planned to go, I went, I felt good, I did it all again the following week. . I've recently realized that I'm experiencing loss. Grief. Loss of the assumption that the world tomorrow would support the plans I made today; this was never actually true, but I think I lived day-to-day as if it were. This allowed me to have some conviction in my choices. . So many of you have asked my opinion on keeping kids home or sending them to school, maintaining or quitting jobs. I wish I had answers. I don't. I don't think anyone does. Decision making without an assumption of world continuity is extraordinarily difficult. . So what are we left with? Compassion. . Compassion reminds us that we are doing our best and that our best is good enough. Compassion will also allow us to acknowledge our feelings of loss as we miss the false but grounding assumption that the world is predictable. . When the world is spinning around us, we can find our feet, place a hand on our heart, and load up on self-compassion as we make decisions that we will inevitably second-guess. This doesn't have to be defeating, but rather can be empowering, freeing us from the idea that there's some right choice out there and instead allowing us to build our good-enough-ness inside. See more

GENTLE / PEACEFUL Is an Intention. A daily practice. A lifestyle. It is a choice to keep learning how to feel safe and be safe. ... It is the heart behind relational science. It is the faith to keep rising as we raise children. And the courage to keep healing so we don’t pass our pain along. It is the understanding that being hard on children, or ourselves, does not make us stronger. People are strengthened through compassion and understanding. No matter our gender or age. Lelia www.leliaschott.com #strengthenedthroughgentleness #peacefulparenting

Feeling estranged from your own child is painful. Research indicates the most important predictor of a child’s emotional and psychological stability is the clo...seness of the parent/child relationship. If your child is not opening up when they are upset, the relationship may not be as close as it needs to be. There are two habits that parents routinely engage in that shut down communication and drive a child away: negating feelings and mistaking sympathy for empathy. In many cases, honoring your child’s feelings is all they need to feel better. Simply knowing their parent understands allows them to feel secure and forge ahead. Some sympathetic statements, on the other hand, disrupt any chance of emotional attunement, instead of helping them work through their difficult feelings. Dr. Erin Leonard discusses how to be a parent your child wants to confide in on the Gottman Relationship Blog: https://bit.ly/2DHZe8u

This is an image I share a lot on this page but particularly relevant in relation to recent posts about bullying. The Anger Iceberg is a reminder that all beha...vior is communication. Anger is described as a secondary emotion because people tend to use it to protect their more raw, vulnerable, and painful feelings. Learning to recognize anger as a protector of raw feelings can be incredibly powerful. Recognizing and acknowledging the hurt that lies beneath a child or young person's anger can lead to increased empathy, connection, and healing conversations.

A good reminder.

Feelings are only scary if we are alone in them. If someone says to us, "Hey! You're feeling that way. That's ok. I'm here. Tell me more," well... the feelin...gs immediately start to simmer a bit. We no longer feel crazy. We feel safer. . The parents in my practice often come to me asking what to say to diffuse difficult moments. But there's something more impactful than sharing a script. And that's sharing a framework, because this is something we can really hold onto. And then we can find our own words, and these words will be so much better given that no one knows your children and your family as well as you. You have the best words inside of you. . When kids are upset, they are plopped down on the bench of that feeling. It may be an Angry Bench or even a Nobody-Likes-Me Bench. And here's what kids (and adults) want when they're on a bench, even the dark uncomfortable ones: someone to sit with them. Once someone sits with us, the bench doesn't feel so dark and cold. Now we have a "bench warmer." . When your son tells you, " I wish I didn't have a younger brother, he's always messing up my stuff!"... imagine that he is on the Its-Hard-to-Share-my-Life Bench. Sit with him. You might need to also set a boundary but you can still sit: "Ah, you're thinking about how how hard it is to share. I get that honey. I won't let you hit, but you can feel all that anger. I'm here with you." . When your daughter yells, "I hate being home with you! My year is ruined!," first take a deep breath. Under this attack is a feeling, and she is asking for validation and support. She's on the Bench of Loss. Sit with her: "I hear you. Totally sucks." . AND... sit with yourself on *your* bench. Find the part of you that is comforting (She's there! Always!) to sit with the part of you that's scared or sad or self-critical. Tell that feeling part: "I'm here, overwhelmed feeling. I see you. I'll listen to you. You're a part of me, not all of me. I'll sit with you." See more

Join us for a free Emotion Coaching: The Heart of Relating to Young Children Webinar hosted by Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer Mary Beth George, ...June 23rd, 4 PM PT. During this free live event, we will cover the basics of Dr. John Gottman’s research, identify your parenting style, and the five steps to emotion coaching. Special emphasis will be placed on how to help children and parents navigate emotions during the coronavirus pandemic. Attendance for the live webinars is limited to the first 1000 people registered, but anyone who registers will receive access to the recording after the event. Sign up: https://bit.ly/2YMRMQi

In my private practice, I witness many tears; this makes sense, as therapy is a place where adults share their emotions, vulnerabilities, and the stories they'v...e held inside. . I learn so much about people's histories from what they say to me after tears start flowing. . I often hear: "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying" or "This is embarrassing" or "You must think I'm crazy to be emotional about such a tiny thing" or "Maybe I'm getting my period, that's why I'm crying." . We can be psychologists together, right now, and wonder: "No one was born talking to tears like this; how did someone learn to approach tears with blame and criticism? That crying is met with invalidation, embarrassment, and judgment?" How we respond to our tears tells us so much about how our caregivers responded to our tough moments. . Tears are our body's way of saying: "Something so big is happening inside that I am literally producing LIQUID to start flowing out of your eyes in an attempt to get you to pause and notice." We have to respect this process; our body never lies. . The more we tell our kids "Stop it; you're fine," the more we circuit their bodies to respond to tears, throughout adulthood, with invalidation and judgment ("I SHOULD be fine"), self-doubt ("Why is my body working against me? My tears are ridiculous and embarrassing.") and anxiety ("No one ever offered connection in response to my tears; my tears must indicate my un-attach-ability and undesirability ... so I need to keep running away from them when they pop up."). . When my kids are older, I want them to respond to tears in this way: "My body is telling me that something important is happening for me; I'm going to honor that truth by pausing and checking in with myself and learning more." . How kids talk to themselves - a key element of an emotion regulation circuit - comes from how we, today, talk to our kids about their emotions. And tears are a part of our emotional life. . Let's set our kids up to honor and respect their emotions, certainly including their tears - after all, this is a way of honoring and respecting themselves, which is the essence of self-confidence. See more

Thanks to Rachel and Roy from the Family 360 Podcast for this meme...

Some days are harder than others. . Our goal isn't to help our kids be happy all the time; in fact, this is a sure-bet way to make sure our child's life, later ...on, will be filled with anxiety. Anxiety is the experience of not wanting to feel what we're feeling, of running away from something happening inside of us. . The more we prepare our kids for the inevitable ups and downs of the world and also of their internal lives, the more they will be able to feel at home with themselves, which is the essence of resilience. The more we respond to our children's distress with judgment or fixing, the more we prepare them to have to run away from discomfort, which is the essence of anxiety. . Growth Mindset helps us embrace hard moments by reminding us that our times of struggle are normal and tolerable; I would double-down and say that we learn the most about ourselves in our tough times, if we are able to listen with compassion, not with criticism. . You know what I want for my kids when they're older? I want them to be able to recognize a bad mood and say internally, "Things feel hard for me today. That's ok. Some days are like that." I know that if my child can approach himself with compassion and generosity, a mood will lift more quickly than if my child says, internally, "What is wrong with me today?" . Shame and blame are "sticky" emotions that attach to our difficult emotions and make us stagnate. Generosity and compassion are opening emotions that allow for movement and change. . If we want our kids to be able to move through their difficult emotions, then Growth Mindset provides a great model: let's teach our kids that just like how they can have a hard time with math problems or puzzles, they can have a hard time with feelings. This is normal, allowed, and part of the pathway toward figuring ourselves out. . The next time your child is cranky and angsty, deliver this line: "Things feel hard today, huh? That's ok. Some days are like that. For me too." See what happens. And... even better, the next time you recognize your own bad mood, try saying this to yourself: ""Things feel hard today, huh? That's ok. Some days are like that. For other people too." See more

Parenting is hard and cannot be done perfectly. Parenting is filled with hard moments, not knowing what to do, struggling through tough stages longer than you w...ant to be in them, and learning from mistakes. Wait a second... this sounds like everything I talk about when it comes to cultivating growth mindset. . If we want our children to stick with a hard puzzle or stay focused on reading even when it gets tricky or take on the bonus math problem... we need to create a household where people label challenges, talk about hardship, and embrace missteps as opportunities for learning. I encourage parents to take a bit longer than usual to tie their shoes, to discuss mistakes they've made, to struggle openly and yet stick with with the weekend crossword. We need to be able to, through our actions, say to our kids: "Me too. I have things that are super tricky for me. I mess up and try to reflect after; I try to turn missteps into growth." . There's no better opportunity we have to model Growth Mindset... than parenting. Next time you struggle, share your reflections about parenting with your child. It might sound like this, "Hey sweetie. I got really angry before. I know my tone may have scared you. I'm sorry. When you and your sister argue, I sometimes have a hard time staying calm. I'm working on it. I really am. Just like you have projects that you're working on, I do too." . It's important to show our kids that we don't have it all figured out. Our kids will be more accepting and compassionate around their struggles if we model our own. It's ok to talk to kids about how hard it is to stay calm when others are upset, to make decisions for a family, to try to balance keeping kids happy with doing what feels right. . I often tell my kids, "Parenting is hard... and it's the best. It's like so many things in life - the things that are hardest for us also give us the best feelings. We just have to tolerate the hard stuff, knowing that if we stick with it... it'll feel the best. What in your life feels like that?" I'm curious what you think about that "prompt" and what conversation ensues in your home if you try it... See more

Learn how to use Emotion Coaching at every age. From toddlers to teens, your child’s mastery of understanding and regulating their emotions will help them to s...ucceed in life in so many different ways they will be more self-confident, perform better in social and academic situations, and even become physically healthier. Emotion Coaching is now available online. Complete the course at your own pace from the comfort of your home. Sign up: https://bit.ly/3fSRoHO

We love this! Finding ways to function in healthy ways as a family makes us all accountable for our actions and words. And even if you don't think it's helpful or appropriate, it's a cute idea. #resources

From Whole Hearted School Counseling Looking for clues for what you need

...and adults. Happy start to the week. Hope it’s a meaningful one.

A shout out to everyone who is trying right now #hope #resilience

The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation. James Faust

This is really on-point advice - not just for parents but for all adults who work with children and young people. Actually... probably really good advice for all people who know and interact with any other people!

Important read, good advice.

If you've witnessed you have a smaller window of tolerance at the moment - you're not alone (@lindsaybraman)

To those of you holding many feelings for children in these weeks, thank you. Reorganizing daily life is not easy, but we are grateful to watch the world make e...fforts large and small to protect vulnerable people. In the coming days, we will be sharing resources from partner organizations for those of you looking for ways to create learning opportunities and structure for children at home. We will also continue to share reminders and resources from Fred Rogers about what children may need from the adults in their lives during these uncertain times. See more

"When our kids are upset, it can sometimes trigger us to be upset too and instead of responding to our kids, we react..."