The Transplanter

She Loved Me More Before I came out, she made life bearable. When things were darkest and I didn't know what was eating me from the inside, she sat with me, being there to me know that I wasn't alone. When the light in my heart grew dim and the twinkle faded from my eyes, she held me gently to give me warmth. Sometimes when life was too heavy, she'd run her fingers through my hair and quietly sing to me that gentle love song in Mandarin. It was so easy to be loved by her and ...to love her back. When I came out, even though she was the one around me who stood to lose the most, she never made it about her. Even though we could no longer be lovers, she did her best to make sure I went and got the support I needed when she needed to set new boundaries or didn't have the capacity for it. She was the one to see that though I loved her deeply, my way of loving her was slowly killing me. I wish so much that I could have loved her the way we both needed. Though her heart must have broken so many times, she was the one to let go. She let go so that I could find my heart. She let go so that I could find healing for my soul. She let go so that I could find life instead of losing it. Because of her, I have the chance to start loving me too. It's the greatest gift I've ever been given. She always loved me more; more than I loved myself. : Throwback summer 2020 : @jd.styling : @meaghan.baxter.photo : @desigual : @oqstories #representationmaters #asiantrans #transmodel #feminist #thisiswhattranslookslike #transisbeautiful #trans #girlslikeus #transgender #transgirl #transproud # #transwoman #transover40

Nature always has a way of grounding me. I had an unsettling first last week. It was the first time that I'd been followed by a dude in broad daylight. It went down at the Home Despot kinda like this: I just needed to pickup a few things before heading into work at @kokedama.ca. On the way to the checkout lines an older guy in the first line tried to get my attention with one of those upwards, singular head nods. I steadfastly ignored him and made my way to the second checkou...Continue reading

Selfies are a double-edged sword. On one hand, they can make us hypercritical of ourselves and how we look. On the other, they can be affirming, life giving, and help us see where we've been and where we might be headed. For better or for worse, selfies have been a lifesaver for me. When I thought I was a boy, I never took selfies. There are barely any photos of me from then. When you don't see yourself when you look in the mirror, why would you want to see yourself memoriali...zed for all time in a photograph? With my social transition that started to change. I began to catch glimpses in the mirror of who I felt that I truly was and that apparently meant more selfies. The more I saw myself in my reflection, the more I wanted to capture it. I wanted to remember finding 'me' in small ways and started putting my favourite ones into a Google Photos album that I named "Selfies?!". Hormone therapy really changed things... but oh so slowly. The changes that I wanted were happening ever so slowly. The T & A just seemed to grow a such a snail's pace that I wondered if they were ever going to be a thing. I wondered if I'd ever feel more at home in my body. I wondered if anyone would ever see me as the woman that I wished they could see. When I saw my body and face in the mirror every day, it seemed like nothing was changing. It felt like I'd never get past my past and there were days I'd think about giving up living. However, through selfies, I was able to see how I'd changed physically over the last two years. I wasn't stuck. There was hope and light, and lots of it! The Ts & A are great, but the most striking change though was found in my smile and my eyes. My smile became bigger, softer, less forced, and more radiant. There came to be a twinkle in my eye that was never there before. That selfies album that I'd named so tentatively, as if I wasn't sure if I'd keep it, saved me so many times. Swipe to go back in time with me to just before I came out to myself in July of 2018 #representationmaters #transmodel #feminist #thisiswhattranslookslike #transisbeautiful #trans #girlslikeus #transgender #transgirl #asiantrans #transproud # #transwoman #transover40 @ Mohkinstsis, Treaty 7 Territory

(*cw: murder, suicide) Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR), a day of Remembrance for those who have been murdered in transphobic acts. It strikes me that it can be easy to say "I'm not part of the problem. I didn't murder anyone." But where do transphobic people come from? They are the product of the society they've grown up in. It's a society we all participate in. We can actively be working to dismantle the parts that are broken, the parts that make it dangerous ...for trans people or we can be complicit in the status quo in the violence against trans people. Acts of violence need not be physical to kill. Hate speech against me is violence, of course. Refusing to use my proper pronouns feels like violence. Trying to "fix" my trans-ness feels like violence. Not recognizing my gender identity feels like violence. Not letting me use the right washroom feels like violence. A medical system that forces me to jump through hoops for years to get life saving gender affirming surgeries feels like violence. When I get verbally assaulted on the street and end up sobbing on a street corner and no one comes to see if I'm okay, that feels like violence x2. When I walk down the street and fear that a guy could find me attractive and then clock me as trans and beat me to death, that feels like violence. These and so many more "everyday" acts of violence cut our hearts and souls every day and for some of us, the pain is too much bear and end our own lives by suicide, not because we're trans, but because of the violence against us. We remember those who have been killed by transphobic violence, but this is not an end. It is not enough to be mournful. It is not enough to cry. This should be a beginning. A kick in the rear to act. Don't just remember us when we're dead. Stand up against transphobic violence right now. Remember us right now. Remember me right now. Do it for us. Do it for me. We just want to live. ps. yes this is the same text as on my @kokedama.ca post #tdor2020 #representationmaters #transmodel #feminist #thisiswhattranslookslike #transisbeautiful #trans #girlslikeus #transgender #transgirl #asiantrans #transproud # #transwoman #transover40

All work and no play makes Cece a serious girl. Here's a couple of bonus photos from my foresty shoot. In the first, I couldn't get into position fast enough and threw up double victory signs even though it wasn't victorious. And the following shot is a wider shot that really shows off the beautiful shooting location. I'm thinking of maybe doing a winter shoot here as well and getting creative about it. : @subtextmedia ... : @maisonsimons : @oqstories #representationmaters #transmodel #intersectionalfeminist #thisiswhattranslookslike #transisbeautiful #trans #girlslikeus #transgender #transgirl #asiantrans #transproud # #transwoman #transover40

In nature I feel the most free. When I am in the midst of nature and have left the city and people behind, I just belong. The forests, streams, ponds, and mountains welcome me and I simply exist in that place. Nature does not judge me except perhaps through the elements. Even then there is no intention in it. It simply is and I simply am. By contrast the city feels full of intention and judgement. I walk the streets and I'm hyper vigilant of the eyes that look my way and even... more so in predominantly Chinese spaces. Chinese culture values conformity and "harmony". It is not okay to rock the boat. It is not okay to be different. It is not okay to be the other and I am the OTHER with capital 'O' and throw in all caps while we're at it. I walk the Chinese grocery store in my hightened awareness. Who do they see? What are they thinking? They must see that I'm a woman who is trans. Will they lash out and if they do will it be verbal or physical? Or maybe they'll just look disgusted. In all this mental noise, anxiety builds like a wave cresting, on the verge of crashing down on me and washing me away in the turbulence. I'd been so scared of Chinese spaces since coming out and avoiding putting myself in that vulnerable position. However, a couple days ago I went to the Chinese BBQ place. I waited my turn outside, anxiety bubbling up, threatening to push me over the ledge, but when I got inside, the butcher called me (siu ze), meaning "miss" or "young lady". That really threw me for a loop and knocked me out of my rising panic. I picked up my order and my heart was calm and light as I walked back to my atelier a few blocks away. I guess things are different now than before. I look, sound and, hell, I even move different, but most importantly I feel different. With every step, I'm learning to walk with my head held a little higher, knowing that who I am is who I am and whether I'm in nature or in the city, I belong. : @subtextmedia : @maisonsimons #representationmaters #transmodel #intersectionalfeminist #thisiswhattranslookslike #transisbeautiful #trans #girlslikeus #transgender #transgirl #asiantrans #transproud # #transwoman #transover40