You Don't Know Jack C

Jack meets wasabi Me: It’s called a spicy salmon roll. Dad gets his knife and fork and cuts into it. I let him. Explaining would be too difficult.... Dad: I canny underston how they can charge that much for these wee buggers if they don’t even cook them. Me: You can dip the roll in your soy sauce and add some ginger and wasabi. Just a little wasabi though. It’s really hot. Dad: Uch Karen, don’t exaggerate. How bloody hot could it be? Pause Waiter: Is the man ok? He hit the table very hard with his hand many times. Me: Yes, he just hates it when I’m right. When you get a moment, could you bring him some water please? I think right now he feels like President Kennedy in Dallas.

Dad: Corn in. Corn oot.

Jack... on cooking Dad: Doesne matter how hard you try Hen, you’ll never cook like your mammy. Me: What’s wrong with the tatties and mince I made you? (potatoes and minced beef stew) Dad: It’s no yer mammy’s. You’ve added somethin’ tae it.... Me: Yup. Dad: What? Me: Flavour. See more

Hummus part two Dad: Hey Gillian, what do you call it when you put tatties in a pot and ye mash ‘em. Gillian: Mashed potatoes. Dad: And if you added some butter to it?... Gillian: Mashed potatoes. Dad: And a wee bit milk? Maybe some salt? Gillian: Mashed potatoes. Why, what’s going on? Dad: Well, Karrrrren I think it’s pretty obvious who won this debate. Me: (Deep breath) Dad, I wasn’t debating Dad: I know. You were LOSING. Don’t feel bad, Hen. Silence. See more

Dad: What the Christ do ye have me eating here? Me: Hummus. It’s good. Try it. Dad: What’s hummus? Me: Well it’s made with chick peas Dad: Why don’t ye just say it’s chick peas? Why invent another word for it so I’ve no bloody idea what the hell I’m eating?... Me: There are other ingredients in it too and it’s all mixed together. That’s why it’s got another name. Pause. Dad: When you mash yer tatties with milk, butter and add a bit o salt what de ye call it? Bloody mashed potatoes. They’re feckin tatties whatever you add to them. Would ye like some tatties wi’ yer mince, Jake? No, would you like a spoonfu’ of shite named something entirely different just so’s I can mess wi’ you so you don’t even know what it is or if you’ll like it wi’ yer mince. Ye want tatties? Aye! Me: Ok so now I’m confused and don’t know what I’m asking you to pass me. Is it hummus or chick peas you want me to call it? Dad: You just said it was hummus. Why must you complicate everything? See more

Dad: Karen, have you seen ma new teeth whitening tooth paste? Me: PAUSE. AWKWARD GIGGLE. Uh, yes Dad I borrowed it. I thought it belonged to one of the girls... Dad: Well don't borrow it! I paid more for that one bloody tube than I made in a week when I first came to Canada... Me: Ok, ok... I didn't know it worked on dentures. Dad: What?... PAUSE. Me: Nothing... See more