Xrisville

The New Xrisville Website Is Now Live! And According to David Von Brehle, It’s a Zombie! On July 14, 2020, Washington Post opinion columnist David Von Drehle proclaimed, satire is dead, and blamed the mendacity and madness of ex-tweeter and self-satirist Donald Trump for satire’s death. Today, the new Xrisville #satire and #parody site went live at www.xrisville.ca. That means, #Xrisville is a zombie! Become part of the horde! Visit Xrisville’s spanking new, undead website and subscribe to get Xrisville things and stuff delivered right to your inbox!

The New Wave of Robots Has Arrived. Insider Says Awkward Conversations Are Coming Soon! COVID may have locked down humans but the pandemic has ushered in a new wave of industrial robots. How many are expected to arrive?... According to ROBO Global, the robotics investment advisory firm that could not have picked a more Cyberdyne-sounding name, 3.2 million bots are forecast to hit factory floors by the end of 2021, and by 2026, total spend on industrial bots could hit $73 billion. What will all those bots be doing? Replacing jobs while angering people, naturally. That’s why robot makers pull PR stunts to win over public affection, like Boston Dynamics’ recent video release of a robot dancing to the Contours’ version of Do You Love Me? While The Hustle wrote in a Jan. 20th, 2021 subscriber email that the practical applications of a dancing robot weren’t readily apparent, the applications were apparent to one person assumed to be a robotics insider in that he owned a robot vacuum and didn’t like to go outside. I think the reason behind the dancing robot thing is self-evident, said the vacuum owner. For robot companies to ultimately win over the public, they’re going to have to blend robots into the total human equation. Humans like to dance. So, dancing robots align with the end goal of robot makers. Of course, robots will soon learn that dancing is part of how humans meet people and begin relationships. That means, the future of robotics will likely include a lot of awkward conversations. Representatives from the robotics industry could not be reached for comment, meaning we couldn’t make an outbound call because we were tied up by inbound robocalls shlepping vacation packages.

In case you missed our earlier post, Xrisville is now undead. Visit www.xrisville.ca for more undeadness. That is all. . . . #satire #parody #xrisville #humor

Jack Ma declared the new Waldo. Start-up publisher to release "Where's Jack Ma?" puzzle book. #satire #parody #xrisville

Seems the Bard was wrong.

I asked AI, Why did the chicken cross the road? (For real.) The answer was mind-boggling. Apparently, the chicken crossed the road because he may be a spy, or depressed.... That was the theory recently proposed by Talk to Transformer, an AI-driven neural network that completes your text after you type in a statement or question. Seeing as artificial intelligence applications are growing and will likely take over the world one day, I naturally thought, I wonder whether our future overlords will have a sense of humor? To find out, I recently sat down with Talk to Transformer (for real) and asked one of the simplest and most well-known joke setups: Why did the chicken cross the road? Given that humans are currently programming AI (presumably), and most people on the planet know the punchline, I expected the answer to be, To get to the other side. Instead, here’s the bizarre answer that Talk to Transformer gave, complete with bizarre math and apparent connections to social media: I don’t know. He may have been a spy for George Washington. I do know that I have a very good idea of why the chicken crossed the road. As we know, 3 out of 5 Americans struggle with depression. So, for every 1 person that lives and dies with depression, 3 others struggle. How can this be? In my world of casual conversations and Facebook statuses, I see people who are joyful, very thankful, have achieved world-wide fame, or have many riches. This doesn’t make sense. One would assume. While nobody knows whether Talk to Transformer will one day wind up being merged into whatever neural network eventually takes over the world, speculation runs high that, should Talk to Transformer become part of the equation, our future AI overlords are likely to be major buzzkills and will not get invited to many parties, if any. One would assume.

Moncef Slaoui Announces Operation HALF Warp Speed! In a bid to speed up COVID-19 vaccinations across the U.S., Captain Picard I mean, Moncef Slaoui, chief advisor of the federal vaccine program Operation Warp Speed (Engage!) recently said that officials were in talks with the FDA about the idea of administering the Moderna vaccine in half doses. Slaoui’s reasoning, as reported on Jan. 3rd, 2021 by Reuters: We know that for the Moderna vaccine, giving half of the dose to pe...ople between the ages of 18 and 55, two doses, half the dose, which means exactly achieving the objective of immunizing double the number of people with the doses we have. For those of you unfamiliar with sentences that appear to have been written by someone on drugs of a non-vaccine nature, the sentence means that a half dose of the Moderna vaccine is known to induce an immune response to COVID-19 identical to a full dose, which naturally begs the question: Why didn’t Operation Warp Speed (Engage!) roll out half doses to begin with? Xrisville attempted to contact Captain Slaoui I mean, Moncef Slaoui for clarification on what some are now allegedly calling Operation Half Warp Speed but couldn’t. Our theory on not being able to get through to him, based on Slaoui’s quote: Making full calls to Operation Warp Speed amounts to half calls for people ages 18-55, two calls, half the calls, more numbers, which means exactly contacting the contact double the numbers with the phones we have. Like Slaoui, we stand by our sentence as making complete and total sense.